Husband is on genericdatingsite.com. He’s on there right now. The perky green letters say “Online now!” on his carefully crafted, built on a web of lies profile.
They might as well say, “Tearing your heart out now!”
We are legally separated, it’s true.
I initiated legal separation six months ago to protect my most precious assets after I discovered he was abusing dangerous drugs. I got the kids, the house, the bank account.
I didn’t want to abandon him, but I didn’t want him to snort our mortgage payment or crash the car with our children buckled into their restraints, either.
I have not divorced him. I’ve thought about it, I’ve learned the steps it will take to finalize it from my lawyer, and I’ve talked about it. I’ve written about it, too, and listened to what others are saying. But I haven’t gone there yet, because, well… I still love him. His children are mine. I tried my ring on last week, and it fits.
I want him to get better and I keep hoping that if I wait a little longer he will see the light.
I’ve let go in a million ways but there’s a little piece of my heart reserved just for him.
We had lunch yesterday and were able to have the most civil conversation we’ve had in a year. I spoke from a place of love and compassion; there was no anger or resentment in my seat at the table.
That was huge progress for me.
I also went to my first AA meeting yesterday, on the advice of my sponsor, and it was eye-opening.
Lunch was good. He lied, of course, but I cheerfully told him I didn’t believe him, and that I have compassion for him.
He mumbled about not making it to many meetings. I didn’t say anything.
He expressed frustration at not being able to see the kids unsupervised. I patiently reviewed our agreement with him, and didn’t back down. I was able to say, “I wish things weren’t like this, but they are.”
I left feeling that maybe, since we’re finally listening to each other, things might be different.
But now he’s trolling genericdatingsite.com, and I hate myself a little for daring to hope.