On Loss and Love

Divorce Cakes a_009 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

This weekend I had my first real date in nine years and told Zach that I am finally divorcing him.

It was a big weekend, complete with a fever. I’ve never believed you could make yourself sick before but now I wonder.

After Zach dropped the kids off on Saturday, I told him:

I’m filing for dissolution.

I’ve waited long enough.

I wish things were different.

I have to move on.

He asked: why now? It’s time, I said, it’s been over a year. It feels like time.

He said he’s happier now too and left.

Then the texts began: I’m breaking his heart, I never really loved him, am I dating again?, he hadn’t given up on us, he promised to love me til death, he still loves me, everyone else sees the changes in him, why can’t I?, I am sicker than he is, can we get divorced any faster?, he is hurt, and finally, will I consider couples counseling?

Oh boy.

I have waited over a year for this man to get it together. I have worked my Al-Anon program, am in intensive therapy, I have completely detached. I have given him plenty of time and space to come back to us. I have told him, again and again, if he can get sober and serious then I will welcome him back. I still don’t believe he is sober, especially not since he’s told me that the mandated AA meetings he has to attend (to see our children unsupervised) are getting in the way of his sobriety. How’s that for alcoholic crazy talk?

How much can one woman put up with?

I told him I would go to counseling, because we should be able to communicate openly about why this marriage is over, as well as about our future as co-parents. But I am not stopping the dissolution, already in the works.

I deserve happiness. I deserve honesty. I deserve stability, and respect.

And a nice dinner date every once in a while. My first date in nine years? It was really nice.

And my fever is gone.