Post-Breakup Hookup: Fuck the Pain Away

On my recent divorcemoon, I met a nice guy. I invited him up to my hotel room. We had hours of fun together.

In the words of Peaches, I literally fucked the pain away.

Kiss

I am feeling really good about this. Fantastic. Alive.

I wasn’t sure how it would be to touch another body after nine years of utter and total devotion to Zach.

I wasn’t sure how it would feel to reveal my body after two pregnancies to anyone, let alone someone who isn’t my husband.

While I sowed my oats in my twenties, I wasn’t sure how I would feel now, in my mid-thirties, about a hookup.

I was concerned I would cry. I would cringe. I would hide from the light.

I definitely didn’t want an STD or pregnancy or any negative consequences.

I wasn’t sure I could ever be intimate with anyone again, after Zach and his lies, betrayal, and total abandonment.

I didn’t think I could open up to another person in that way.

But I have been doing a lot of work on myself lately. Regular therapy. 1-2 Al-Anon meetings a week. New hobbies and interests. Time spent in earnest conversation with friends. I have slowly been getting back to myself and opening up to the world around me. I’ve been working out 5-6 times a week and have lost twenty pounds in a year. I am growing my hair long, and dropped way too much money on cute new clothes last week; I’m thinking of it as investment in my future. I have spent a full year by myself, working on myself.

So when I went on my DivorceMoon, I wasn’t expecting anything. I wanted to be alone, to do something just for me, and to get away from the many painful memories. I still live in our marital home and probably will for some time. Even though it’s been over a year now since Zach moved out, I still get a bit melancholy at night.

But on my DivorceMoon? I had fun. And got laid. Many times.

I met James on a tour. He was nice, with brilliant sea-blue eyes. He was friendly and flirty. He was a local out doing something different with friends.

In this new, young, hip city, I wasn’t sure how to get back to my hotel after the tour ended. He offered to walk me home. I surprised myself by inviting him up. I surprised myself even more by asking to see his license, snapping a picture of it, and then texting it to my best friend back home. A girl (woman!) can never be too safe these days.

We turned on the fireplace in my super luxurious suite. We sat and chatted together. He put his arm around me and pulled me onto his lap. I was glad to be wearing both a new dress and new, post-breakup panties. We moved into the bedroom, and took things agonizingly, sweetly, slow. I haven’t felt that connected, that wanted or desired, in years. It wasn’t until this hookup that I realized just how absent Zach was not only from our home life but from our marital bed, as well.

I have changed, and I put my Al-Anon tools to work in fascinating new ways. While I’ve never heard it applied in this context, the slogans really helped me enjoy this hookup more than any other from before my marriage. Take “Let go and let God,” for example. I didn’t obsess about my body, or my future, or where things were going, or anything. I know God wants me to be connected and in tune with the world around me, and not worry about things out of my control. So I focused on myself and this one person for a few hours and enjoyed myself. “One Day at a Time.” How about one lovely minute at a time? “Keep it Simple.” Nothing simpler than enjoying the pleasures of being intimate with another human.

After, I asked James to leave. I needed, and wanted, to wake up alone. This was about doing my own thing, after all. He didn’t seem to mind. And he didn’t mind coming back over a few days later after time spent on my own, exploring the mountains and hitting a few bars and restaurants on my own. Another first but less exciting to write about.

My last night of my divorcemoon, I got 1.5 hours of sleep because James and I were up all night. I have no regrets and am so happy to feel connected and womanly again.

My only guilt is that I am still not officially divorced. My lawyer is working on my dissolution paperwork this week. I don’t want to rush her as she is a friend, and there really is no rush. But since we’re still legally married, I feel a twinge of guilt for betraying Zach, even though he abandoned us long ago.

However, I don’t feel too guilty. I needed this.

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