Acceptance

Serenity Prayer

Serenity Prayer (Photo credit: Violette79)

The serenity prayer: so short, so simple, yet so difficult to do.

I’m stuck on the first bit: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”

Accepting alcoholic Husband for who he is has been a smack in the face. I can’t change him, even though I want to, so badly.

I am biting my tongue and only stalking his movements slightly. This is a huge improvement for me.

What I’m struggling with tonight, however, is accepting me for who I am.

I am a strong, loving, vibrant person. I want a partner who loves life, goes after what he wants, and isn’t afraid to make a change, big or small, if it’s needed. This is who I am. Partnering with someone who is depressed and struggles to make it through the day? Not in my DNA.

Loving a sick person I can do. Letting them go, letting God: this is coming so easy I wish I’d stumbled upon Al-Anon years ago.

But accepting that I want, need, and deserve more in a marriage?

This is where I’m stuck.

For if I accept this reality, which really has been underpinning all of the tension in my marriage, I find myself reviewing divorce papers (that are already drawn up). And that’s a hard reality to face. I’m having trouble accepting the divorce looming before me. I cannot imagine being a single mother, sending the kids off to dad’s on a regular basis, or dating someone else.

I have learned in Al-Anon to focus on one day at a time, so for today:

I am grateful for a snowy lawn, a lit tree, and two boys slumbering upstairs.

Snow Cat

Snow Cat (Photo credit: clickclique)

As far as acceptance goes, I have some work to do.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I cannot change who Alcoholic husband is.

But neither can I change what I want and need in a marriage. I’ve tried, and failed. To move forward, I must accept that my needs are ok. That I deserve equality, vibrance, and happiness.

Seven Pillars of Wisdom rock formation in Wadi...

Seven Pillars of Wisdom rock formation in Wadi Rum, Jordan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And so again I pray: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (my husband’s disease, my desire for a strong, healthy marriage).

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can (my attitude, my situation, my marital status).

God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference (working on this, see above).