Feeling my Feelings

Juggling three

Today I feel angry, sad, numb, overwhelmed.

How did I get here? And how do I get out? How do I heal when I’m still legally married to a man who has not once picked up the phone to say I’m sorry, how are the kids, how can I save our marriage?

I know it’s time to move on but I work, take care of the kids, and don’t sleep enough. When do I find the time to move on?

I’m managing to squeeze in a few Al-Anon meetings a week, time with friends, regular therapy, and lots of self-help books, as well as enjoy my children every day, but it all feels like going through the motions. It all feels like waiting for the life I thought I had to arrive.

Every minute of every day is taken up with planning, doing, taking care, and praying. I feel that if I slow down for even one second all of the balls I have in the air will come crashing to the ground and I will collapse.

I can’t afford to collapse. I have two babies who have already lost a father. They ask for him, they cry about him, and I do my best to be everything they need but what they need is a sane, sober father, and how do I do that for them?

I can’t.

I feel heartbroken. I have a calendar tacked to the wall and every day as I’m turning off the lights I cross off today’s date.

One more day that I’ve made it. One more day towards a better future. One more day that I’m legally separated. Working on the emotionally separated part.