The D Word

I don’t want to cry when I think about Divorcing Husband.

I don’t hate him, and I’m still angry, but selectively and not all the time and I know what to do with it.

I have now realized that I deserve better. That I can do better. That better is alone than with a lying, using, useless man. Even if he is the father of my children.

Why, friends, did this take me nearly a year to get to?

I can’t know. God’s timetable is not my own. I’d been banging my head against the wall knowing that this is how I should feel.

I’ve slowed down. I’ve grieved. I’ve opened up. I’ve turned things–not everything! I’m working on this!–over to God.

It was always out of my control, anyway, I just didn’t see this until I loosened my grip a little bit.

Learning to focus on each day, to have gratitude, to trust others and most of all trust myself has worked a little magic.

So yeah, I think it’s time for divorce.

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5 thoughts on “The D Word

  1. I pray you find your peace, that you are able to hear God’s plans for you and you can move on with your life with absolution. I feel the pain of the father of your children being the cause of your pain. You have to wait for it to be worked out in your heart, between you and God and you are correct that it is not your timetable.

  2. I am there with you. I know what you’re going through. I was there myself. It gets easier. You’ll cry, you’ll scream and it’s okay. You’re grieving.

  3. I have to say I’ve read your posts, and they sound like me. I’ve been with an alcoholic/cocaine user for 8 years, married for 5, and we have two wonderful children. When we decided to have kids, he actually got clean for about a year or so, long enough for my son to turn 6 months. Then we were in a rollercoaster ride for about a year of horrible relapses, each one worse than the one before.

    After a year of relapsing, he went into rehab and actually got clean for about 2 years, long enough for us to get pregnant again, and for my new daughter to turn 1. Right after her first birthday, he started relapsing again. It’s now been almost two years of awful relapsing, with alcohol and cocaine binges every two months.

    I’d been telling him from the beginning of his relapses that I wouldn’t tolerate his behavior, but each time, I let him come back. Then, 3 weeks ago, I had the last straw. He came home after a night of binge-drinking and cocaine use, and I kicked him out. He went to stay at his dad’s house… Who isn’t very helpful or understanding of my husband’s problem. His dad is also a heavy drinker.

    My husband is a full-time musician, so he’s constantly playing in bars and nightclubs. He can’t just stay away from alcohol: he’s constantly surrounded by it.

    I thought after I kicked him out, that he would come to realize what me and our 2 kids mean to him, but instead, he’s chosen to drink and use almost every day. Sometimes he’ll say he’s scared and wants to go to rehab, but his resolve fades away as soon as I tell him “let’s go, I’ll take you to rehab right now.”

    I, like you, feel I’ve done everything: make appointments for him, found him meetings, taken him to doctors, gone to church with him, begged and pleaded, asked nicely, asked threateningly, scolded, pryed, prayed, everything. I feel like I’m done trying.

    One day he says he’s going to do everything in his power to get us back, but then two minutes later, he’s at a bar, doing his thing. The next day he calls and tells me it’s all my fault for “abandoning him at his time of need”. He does not see everything I’ve done, and accuses me of being a heartless human being.

    He’s seen our kids once in the past 3 weeks. He accuses me of “keeping them” from him, which is not true. I told him he can see them when he wishes, as long as he hasn’t been drinking or using.

    I’ve been seeing a therapist for months, and she tells me I need to let go, but it’s so hard. I worry about him everyday, about where he is, with who, what he’s doing, if his problem is going to escalate to a point of no return.

    I know I must detach, but I feel so powerless, frustrated and scared. I haven’t officially filed for divorce, because I’m so naively holding on to the slight possibility that he will come around and change his mind, get his act together, quit drinking and using.

    I know I can’t live with him and that he’s dangerous in his current state, but I just wish I would stop caring at all. I wish he could mean nothing to me, to think of him as any other person. But I’m terrified, because I know he’s no longer in control of his life, and he may lose it altogether.

    Sorry, I know this post has dragged on, but I felt connected to you the second I came upon your blog as I googled ” should I leave my drug addict husband?” It is slightly comforting to know other people go through this, but it doesn’t take away the fear and uncertainty.

    Perhaps it’s time for me to wake up and file for divorce… Waiting just seems useless, since he refuses rehab and help. He’s to busy blaming his problems on anyone but himself.

    Thanks for sharing your story!

    • And it’s comforting for me to know that you’re out there reading going through something similar.

      Today I feel angry, sad, hopeful, and happy, all at once. I am learning, very slowly, that I can have a wonderful life whether my husband is drinking/using or not. And he most certainly is.

      My husband is also a master of accepting zero responsibility; apparently this is a lovely trait that many addicts share. When I do divorce him–and I’m marching forward under the assumption that I will, as he has yet to successfully complete a treatment program–I want it to be from a place of love for me and not anger/resentment toward him.

      For today, my legal separation protects me and my children. That is what is most important to me.

      I found a lot of comfort in consulting with a good lawyer and discussing my options.

      Good luck to you and keep me posted!

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