Crazy Love

I still love my nearly ex-husband. I miss him. I long for our family to be a unit of four together.

I want to hug him, nuzzle his neck.

But he’s no good for me.

I want to lace my fingers through his.

But he is a liar.

I want to send him a text telling him these things.

But he is an addict, not working a program of recovery.

I want to lead him up the stairs, fit his body neatly onto mine.

But a man who is not honest with himself or me cannot be inside my body.

I want to bring him back home, make everything right.

But I cannot fix this huge gulf between us.

I want to shout yes! Finally! Even though it took you a year to ask, and I know you’re still not being truthful, sure I’ll go see that marriage counselor with you.

But I have to remind myself that I have walked that road and it has never resulted in any changes.

I want to tell him to not bother with his Match.com slut, that I’m better than her, that she can’t love him like I do.

But then I remind myself that I kicked him out, I initiated our legal separation, and I signed the divorce papers, because I cannot be married to a lying addict who refuses to get help for himself.

I want to email him, right this very minute, and ask him if he’s going to therapy yet, if he’s ready to be honest, if he thinks we can make our marriage work.

But then I remember that I’ve asked him those questions a million times over, waited a year for him to change, and I’ve never found any resolution or difference in him.

I want to quit dating, and go back to my bad marriage, because in the chaos at least I knew what to expect.

But I remind myself that this lonely serenity is far better than the chaos of living with an addict.

I want to drive by his house tonight, to see if he’s alone; I want to knock on his door and feel his arms around me.

But then I remember the gnawing loneliness of wanting more from him than he could give, because his drugs and drinking always, no matter what, came first. He was not present for our marriage. He was always looking over my shoulder, impatient to get away.

I want to do anything but go up those stairs alone, in my empty house.

But then I remember that I am on God’s timetable, and I cannot know what is around the corner; I must do the next right thing.

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13 thoughts on “Crazy Love

  1. There you are again Writerly One…..INSIDE my head again. It’s been only 5 months for me (separated….not yet legally). I left……and up until a week ago, I felt all of your longings. And then last week, all these longings STOPPED! Because after 3 years of insanity (his and mine) of living with the disease of alcoholism, I FINALLY realized, that this person whom I loved so much, will always disappoint me…..in BIG ways. He actually did me a favor (although this sounds cruel) of “slipping” once again (after weeks of sobriety…not recovery) and became the nasty, disgusting alcoholic that I left. He did me the favor of leaving me two verbally abusive, “evil” messages. And that DID IT for me…..because for weeks I was “longing” for him., the sweet side, the cuddly side, the one whose body I loved to fold myself into…but when he drinks…..he not only lies….he becomes an angry, disturbed human being. I no longer “long” for this man. I wish him the best, I can forgive, but never forget the shit he put me through. I truly hope he finds someone else to love, so that I will no longer be the object of his obsession.

    • Wow. It’s so great to know I’m not the only one who longs for a guy who is no good. The familiar is so comforting, even when it sucks. I also think grief goes in waves, and I’m having a low wave. Sounds like you are up! Thanks for reading.

  2. Oh, I am so glad I found this site. I am in my early forties. I have three children and a really pretty house. We have a great social life. I live in a wonderful community. I dream of getting a dog, owning a vacation home and rocking on its front porch and watching our future grandchildren play. So many blessings and so many things to dream about! But, my husband has a drinking problem. He calls my son a “dumb fuck” when he’s drunk. He tells me I’m a moron and a terrible mother — sometimes the “c” word. He told my children their life will be a living hell if we get divorced. He does his therapy and then undoes it with his scary words to my children. He talks behind my back to them and calls me derogatory names when I’m not there. He tells them I’m lazy and selfish. He recently snuck them in his car and drove them home from a family dinner at my mother’s house– he was drunk and swerving during the twenty minute drive and my children told me so when I got home. He is angry all the time. I cannot talk to him. We have tried therapy. I am in therapy. My children are in therapy. He is in therapy alone. But he will not stop drinking. I had an emotional affair at one point because I felt so alone in my bed every night while he was sleeping in the basement. I told him about it. I wanted him. I wanted to fix US. He has used this as his excuse to keep drinking along with my ADHD son, my annoying family, my inability to provide for all HIS needs, my nagging about drinking. If I have a drink, he turns it around on me like I have the problem. I drink socially — I do not drink at home during school nights with my children around.

    I kicked him out last summer and he was back by October promising to only drink when we are out with friends. Well, a year later, that is most definitely NOT the case. He is so moody and mean. He punishes me when I am having a positive upbeat day, when I strong and stable. The healthier I seem to get, the more he broods and offers up the silent treatment. His moods control my emotions. It is sick. I am sick.

    I feel like I’m going crazy. I am accepting, finally, that all his unhappiness and misery may not actually be all my fault. I am realizing that I cannot leave my children alone with him any more. I am married to a functioning alcoholic (because it has not affected his job yet). My spark is gone. My body is going to shit. I am gaining wait. I feel depressed and anxious. I feel like a phony when I’m in the world smiling and trying to put on a brave face. I am exhausted from trying to overcompensate for my children. I feel alone and somewhat desperate. I have tried Al-anon and given it up. It might be time to give it another try.

    I’m tired of whining. I need change. This blog, this post, is so similar to the feelings I have about it all and some of the feelings I had when he moved out.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I think I am ready for change….REAL, scary, intimidating, uncertain, life-altering change.

  3. Oh goodness-this has brought tears to my eyes. I feel exactly the same and for the same reasons too. Alcoholic husband moved out 8 weeks ago and has now also announced he is in a new relationship too, after creating chaos for myself and young daughters too. He is still very actively drinking and cannot see our children as a result but it’s so difficult to switch off my feelings. His addiction was so well hidden. I had suspicions only a few months ago but he was off work with ‘stress and anxiety’ for 6 months and told me all issues stemmed from that. Finally found his stash (own brand vodka hidden behind the dryer in the garage, where he smoked, drank vodka and texted another alcohol dependant woman) and visited his doctor with him who said our children would be declared at risk. Referred him to homeless service in our area and he was moved within a week. I thought this would bounce him into reality and sobriety as I’d told him I’d wait for him but since then nothing but angry, hate filled texts and threats from him and now the news that he has moved on. But still a tiny part of me wants to cuddle into him. I’m heartbroken for the belief I had in him and our 8 years of marriage as well as our plans for the future.. I wish you love and joy. Last night I went out for the first time with an longtime male friend. It was refreshingly lovely but felt odd.

  4. Thank you. I went to two Al-Anon meetings this week. We took my son to get some help for his emotional issues. The Doctor spoke to my husband about his drinking. He agreed to consider 90 days via AA. We walked out and I felt so light! This morning he told me he was writing to the Doctor and telling him he was unprofessional that he was NO WAY doing a program. Sigh. Tomorrow I go back to AA and talk to my lawyer. I’m going to file. Thanks again for your blog. It has helped me reach a turning point.

  5. So happy for you that you have a Bfriend now, but this post speaks to me. I’m going thru crap with my husband now and I feel like it is only a matter of time before he is my ex. He is drinking again. It all started with alcohol, then pills and now he is back on alcohol. He says he is more mature than he was the first time he had issues with alcohol. I feel like I don’t know who he is. It is so sad because up until last week this was the best we had ever been. I found your blog last year, last time I had issues with my husband, glad I found it again!

  6. Hi, writerlyone! Just checking in, since I’ve noticed you haven’t posted anything recently. Last time I commented on your blog, I believe my husband had just been hospitalized after a suicide attempt. We had been separated for about 2 months when it happened. That was in July. Fast-forward to the present: he left the hospital after only 5 days, and a few days later I let him come back into our home, against my best judgement. We were “okay” for a couple of months, and he was sober and taking his medication. Then one fateful night some a**hole told him I had gone out with someone else over the summer, and my husband went into a jealous rage. To be honest: I only went out twice over the summer, and it was a group thing. I happened to hang out with a male friend. But now my husband thinks I slept with this other guy and, OF COURSE, now he’s found the perfect excuse to blame me for everything, call me a slut, and relapse. He relapsed in mid-October and then on Halloween. I somehow ended up forgiving him once again. Then last night, we got into a huge argument again and he went crazy. I was going to leave the house with our 2 kids at 1:00am, because I became very afraid of his rage, but then he decided to leave instead. So he’s gone.

    I feel partly relieved to be home alone with my kids. However, I’m sure this is only the calm before the storm. It’s a matter of time before he starts calling and texting in his drunken, coked-out rages, threatening to end his life and blaming me for his mistakes. I’m so exhausted of dealing with this person. I wish I could crawl under a rock with my kids and come out when it has all blown over.

    But it won’t blow over: things never do with addicts. I don’t know how to disengage and stop caring. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a whole year, and it doesn’t get any better. I’m stuck. All the progress I made over the summer while we were separated is far gone: I’ve taken many steps back, and let him suck me back into the hell-hole of our relationship.

    How can I stop? I don’t even know if I love him anymore; it feels more like I’m addicted to the drama and constant worry. I long to be free; to sleep at night without wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he’s alive…

    Anyway, hope you’re doing well. Write back, if you can. Best regards, and hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

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