Anything But the Pain

Tonight my children are spending the night at their father’s house.

I have not seen them since last night, as they were still sleeping when I left for work. Today was my first day back at work in ten weeks, and tonight is my fifth without them, my second in town. My heart breaks but I will do anything but face this pain.

Sit on a crowded college campus.

Meet up with strangers for dinner.

Watch a movie under the cool sky, even one that I don’t particularly care for, all to avoid being alone, the stillness that is my separated house and divorcing life.

I love my children so much it hurts. A mom should not be without her babies.

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4 thoughts on “Anything But the Pain

  1. It’s soooo hard to be without your babies. EVEN when your babies are so much older. I am going through empty nest and separation at the exact same time…….My house is always empty…..just me….but so much better than walking into “insanity”

    • Paula, I, too, went through empty nest and separation and divorce at the same time. Its the reason I decided to do what Writerlyone is doing…getting out of the house! I remember the exact day…April 11, 2008…when all of my children had somewhere else to be and I was home in my quiet, sad house ALONE AGAIN! So, I went to a dance. And there I met my current husband. It was magical and wonderful.

      Seeing your children grow in to the capable, independent individuals they were born to be can be very wonderful…but it is oh so painful!! A slow heart break.

      I remember that the plan had been that I would be able to pursue some of my own dreams when the children were grown…and some of those dreams included traveling and such with my now ex-husband. I was SO ANGRY that he decided to do all of those things we planned with someone else!

      But, now I have redefined my life and my dreams. You will too, and I pray that you will find them sweeter and more fulfilling than you ever imagined!!

      • Thank you for your prayers….and I greatly appreciate your thoughtful and uplifting response. Right now I am not even sure what my “dreams” are…..isn’t that strange? I am only 4 months separated and have PTSD according to my therapist. I am so used to living with totally unacceptable behavior…….verbal abuse was the norm…..that I am just getting used to getting to know me again. Well that can be a dream, right? Just trying to figure out who I am and why such an educated, smart woman….would allow herself to be treated like shit! I have a long way to go. Al Anon has been so helpful to me this past year……literally saved my life. At least my children were not there to hear the insanity, as this was my second marriage and they were not in my crazy household……although they witnessed his drunken, stupid behavior on a few occasions. I just keep saying over and over…”How did I do this again”…..not blaming myself…..but taking a personal inventory of why I allow men to treat me badly…..why do I fall in love with certain types of men? So for now, I am just trying to take care of me. I joined a gym…..after having no motivation to work out in over a year. I used to be “addicted” to working out, before I realized my life was becoming unlivable, and then I gave it up….just like that….because I didn’t have the “strength” to do it anymore. I have started to make nice meals for myself…..Oh and the best part is , I don’t even have to worry about eating too much garlic! 🙂

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