One Year Later: Broken Dreams?

One year ago tonight I changed the locks and gave my husband twenty minutes to pack his things. I called a lawyer and a friend, and my parents came over to witness.

I’d found drugs on husband, again, after he swore he was sober.

He’d been lying for years and I suspected but didn’t have proof.

We were fighting, our finances were in trouble, and I was a tsanami of anxiety, constantly walking on eggshells, not knowing what to call the elephant in the room. Addiction hadn’t been properly named.

I was clinging so desperately to a marriage that my husband had abandoned years before.

I’d made dinner and set the table when he came home, acting funny. I asked him what was in his bag, he accused me of being paranoid, then dashed into his car. I chased him down the drive, banging on his door. He showed me. I saw. That was the beginning of the end.

Today I shopped like I haven’t shopped in years, all by myself. Shopping is not a hobby for me, but I’ve lost weight and am hoping to date soon so to the mall I went. I had a blast. I bought clothes and jewelry only for fun; nothing practical, nothing for work, and nothing because it’s kid-friendly (i.e. washable cotton). I bought lacy new bras that don’t have nursing clasps.

And then I met up with a group of four close friends for dinner and drinks. I enjoyed myself, I laughed, I wore a new dress.

I didn’t talk about husband at all. I’ve truly detached. Come to think of it, I hardly thought of him at all.

What a difference a year makes.

Tonight I’m feeling humbled, grateful, and in awe of God’s work in my life.

Goodnight everyone.


9 thoughts on “One Year Later: Broken Dreams?

  1. My dearest writerlyone…..your blog has mirrored my life in an infinite number of ways, starting with your very first posting….for I too was searching the internet about whether or not to divorce my alcoholic husband….and it brought me to you. THANK YOU!!!!! You’ve come so far and I am so proud of you. I am looking forward to when I feel truly detached from my husband. My feelings ebb and flow like the ocean…..some days I feel I’ve really “turned a corner” and other days, like yesterday, I found myself in bed at 4:00 with no energy to do anything. Today, August 7th, will have been (and technically is) my 9th anniversary. My children are grown, as this was my second marriage, so the quiet in the house can at times be earth shattering. So I am going to take this day, like all days, one day at a time, thank God for what I have (my beautiful grown sons and supportive family, a few good friends and a rewarding career as a first grade teacher). Thank you again for your blog….you have no idea how much it inspires me to be strong.

  2. I am looking forward to this kind of day in my near future! I love your honesty, finally someone willing to talk about things that most women go through but don’t talk about! Sign went up on our house today and the day it sells and my account isn’t being sucked dry by bills and the mortgage of a house I am not living in, I will be having a night out!!

  3. I’m happy for you, writerlyone! Keep laughing and enjoying this life that you are building for yourself. Your stories of strength and hopefulness touch me (and clearly others; I notice how your followers grow each day). It’s so healing to hear how others are going through similar circumstances. Today I resolve to find a sitter so that I can get out and enjoy myself, or just make it to the gym 🙂

  4. I take my hat off to you. I didn’t have to deal with addiction but I can really resonate with how it feels after time has passed and you learn to feel good and laugh again. My best wishes go to you for a very happy and bright ‘forever after’ 🙂

  5. My heart just hurts for you and for the others who have commented going through this raw, broken time. I remember so well all of those feelings…relief, discovery of self, yet with sadness and anger and the overwhelming feelings of loss and how unfair it is to be put through something you didn’t ask for and don’t deserve.

    Silkpalace1, yes, you are exactly right. Your feelings do ebb and flow like the ocean, and will, and that is so normal. But it will not always be that way.

    Six year later (and I know that sounds like so far away but just think how fast the previous six years have gone!) and I can say that I am truly and honestly THANKFUL that I went through the divorce. I’m so happy now. I’m in control of my life now. I no longer have to live with lies or a liar. No longer living with a man who feels entitled to have everything his way, and when it isn’t he feels entitled to abuse, lie, lecture, sulk, yell, throw things, ignore, snap, be emotionally distant, or have affairs.

    And not only do I not accept that behavior from my spouse, I accept it from NO ONE! No one is allowed to treat me in an unloving, uncaring, or unkind way (including myself to myself). Its a truly empowering way to live and you are walking in that direction every day.

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