Dissolution of a Dream

Today I wrote a letter to my husband, ending my marriage.
The call is in to my lawyer. Once she returns from vacation, I’m going to begin the divorce process.
I’m going to file for dissolution of my marriage.
It is so painful.
Today I know that what I am feeling is grief.
Grief for the young woman I was when I married.
Grief for the happy couple, smiling in a tux and gown, on their wedding day, frozen in time, blissfully unaware of the challenges that lay before them.
Grief for the loss of a dream of a happy marriage, intact family, nuclear goodness.
Grief for my sense of self as a wife, as the other half of a contented marriage.
Grief as I transition from married mother to single mother.
Grief for what could have been, but never will be.

Alcoholism and addiction has won. I cannot fight it anymore.

I never could.

Inconsolable grief

Inconsolable grief (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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9 thoughts on “Dissolution of a Dream

  1. I’m sorry for your pain. But I have to commend you for your recognizing that it’s time for you to move on. You are facing reality and acting on it. And in the weird, crazy world that is living with an alcoholic, that seems to me like a big victory. You are not letting alcoholism take your good life away. It will not be the life you envisioned. But you know yourself, and you have grown. You will find happiness in another shape. Good for you.

  2. You have done everything you can. Calling a spade a spade is the right thing to do because you are facing the Truth. And the only way to deal with Truth is to face it. Otherwise it will turn into a monster that will lurk in your shadows forever. This is hard, but it is right. I’m so proud-of and inspired by you, writerlyone. Thank you for your courage.

  3. I’m sorry this is painful. You seem to be a very strong woman and your children are blessed to have you in all this. I hope there are others close to support you in this. I also still hope you husband can find his way to sobriety for the sake of your children.
    Prayers & hugs

  4. I am so glad that I found your blog a few days ago. Your insight, honesty and strength is inspiring. As I read each post, I am struck by the familiarity. The validation. Thank you so much. I think I’m a few months behind you on this journey, I hope that you find peace and comfort; I hope I do. The process is painful, to be sure. I keep reminding myself that I am moving ahead (slowly some days with a few steps back on occasion). But I am moving. And that’s new. This blog has helped me feel a bit more sure-footed for this week’s leg of the trip.

    • I’m so glad you found it and that it’s brought you some comfort. I’m a “story” person and have always connected to others’ experiences via their stories. Your comment made me feel a little less alone tonight, made me feel that my writing is worth something. Thank you, keep reading, and I hope tomorrow brings some serenity for you. Hugs!

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