Divorced So Lonely

 

Divorce, tonight, is despair and a reckoning and a solitude the kind of which I have never known. I have no map for this journey, no reference guide for my feelings.

I’m 34 and single; the mother of two children. After nearly nine years of dating and marriage and painful separation, I’m alone, every night. The last time I was single, I was young. Hot. Lived in a hot town. Knew lots of fabulous people. The world was mine and I did as I liked.

Fast forward nearly a decade.

I live in a great neighborhood for my kids, surrounded by married couples in suburbia.

I attend a great church, comprised of older folks and young families. I may be the only single person under 60 (i.e. not a widow).

I have wonderful friends; all of them married or coupled off. I know two single people, and they are doing their own thing.

I talked to my friend Amanda about this tonight and she said, “Well, I just think of myself as an individual, not as a married woman.”

Yes, but I was, and now I’m not, and I’m fine alone, mostly, but my frame of reference has been completely upended and I don’t know what to do with my time anymore. My social life used to consist mostly of ladies’ nights: neighborhood girls’ get togethers, dinner out with old girlfriends, wine night, etc. That was fine. I was leaving my husband for a few hours but then I would come home and we’d talk, cuddle, etc.

Now I come home to an empty house. I still want time with my friends, as I do value that time highly, but I have nothing else. No one to chat to, flirt with, kiss, or cook for me/for/with me at home.

I want to at least go to places where I am not the only single person.

I know people don’t meet in bars, and I’m not sure I’d want to date someone I met at a bar anyhow, but it’s at least fun to be out, with others of the opposite sex. I think. I’m not really sure as I haven’t been in that situation since 2004 but I’m sure that’s the same. The only men I see these days are: my soon to be ex, my friends’ husbands, my neighbors, and the meter checker.

The landscapers and meter guys are starting to look really, really good.

I need a date and soon but I don’t know anyone and nobody knows me, and tucked away in safe suburbia I will surely die of born again virginity.

Oh, and I put my online dating profile up for a few days and then took it down. I only heard from guys I wouldn’t consider (way older, overweight, unemployed, etc.).

How to get my groove back?

I feel so raw, exposed, and lonely.

I don’t want to be an empty half, as a friend referred to someone we know, but I do feel that something is missing.

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4 thoughts on “Divorced So Lonely

  1. If you figure it out please write about it! I am 36, newly separated from an alcoholic/drug abuser and living in my parents house with my two little ones. I keep thinking that it’s wrong to seek a relationship while the kids are so young but I’m lonely and have been missing companionship for a long time. There should be a “get your grooveback” bootcamp lol

  2. I don’t know. It seems most people I know who get together after age thirty, meet online. One of my best friends from high school, 38 and never been married, met her now-fiancé on match.com. It took awhile, though. She had some bad dates in the process. My MIL is sixty and very hip. She met her soon to be husband on match.com as well. She had about ten dates with different people before clicking with him. I think it requires patience and persistence — not easy as a single mom of small children. I have no doubt that you’ll get your groove back. Be kind to yourself, and remember, not everything is as grand as it might appear. For example, I’m reading in one room while hubby is watching some ridiculous movie in the other. This feels pretty lonely as well. Lots of love as you move forward. 🙂

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