How to Divorce Your Alcoholic or Addict Husband, Wife, or Partner

1. Realize you have two choices: Accept it and live with it, or leave. No matter which one you choose, please go on to step 2:

2. Get yourself a really good therapist and go weekly or bi-weekly. This has saved my life. She is the one who pushed me to the next step:

3. Go to Al-Anon. Try lots of different meetings and find one (or several) that works with your schedule. I currently go to a Saturday morning meeting just for women, a Tuesday morning meeting that has excellent babysitting (yay!), and a few other meetings here and there if I can or need to. I went once a few years ago and didn’t go back. Don’t do that. It was stupid. Try at least six meetings before you give up. Al-Anon really has changed my life just as much as my therapist. Here’s their web site so you can find meetings in your neck of the woods: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

4. Get a life. Stop obsessing and trying to change him/her. You can’t. But you can be a better person who’s a little less sad, and a little more in tune with themselves. It’s taken me almost a year, but I’m getting there. I find time to read, write (this blog is one of four writing projects I have going right now), work out, take long walks with friends, hike in the woods, quilt, travel, and get together with friends. What do you like to do? Go do it. Like, now. Not sure or don’t have any idea where to start? I joined some Meetup groups for ideas.

5. Get busy. Feel like telling him to go to rehab? Go to an Al-Anon or AA meeting yourself. I went to one AA meeting and it was very eye opening. Already kicked her out but feel like inviting her back over for an afternoon romp? (been there, done that!) Call a friend and go see a movie instead. Or drive four hours to see an art show like I did last weekend. Get out of your head and into the world.

6. Go to church (or synagogue, or the woods, or whatever). There is more than you and your problems. Church gives me quiet space, a time for reflection, and teachings that keep my problem in perspective. Tapping into my Higher Power has definitely helped me begin to heal from the effects of living with a alcoholic/addict for seven years.

7. Consult a lawyer. My friend is my lawyer. She’s awesome. She was the third phone call I made on the night I kicked my Husband out. (Call #1: locksmith. Call #2: sister). She reviewed my options with me and helped me see choices I hadn’t known existed. Why not find out what the ramifications of your decision will be before you do something out of fear/hatred/anger/irritation?

8. Go easy on yourself. Watch sappy movies and cry. Invite different friends over every night to listen to you weep. Go back to bed on Saturday mornings after you’ve turned on the TV and made sure the kids have access to Cheerios. This is a long, difficult, and lonely road. Your spouse is going to be angry and upset with you; you’ll need all the self-love you can get.

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104 thoughts on “How to Divorce Your Alcoholic or Addict Husband, Wife, or Partner

  1. Pingback: Should I Divorce My Alcoholic or Addict Husband? | Broken American Dream Diaries

  2. I just found your blog today. Wow, do I hear echoes of my own life. I’m glad you are blogging and I look forward to reading more.

  3. Oh, boy, do I need to follow these steps! Thanks so much for taking the time to jot these down. We all know divorcing anyone, especially alcoholics and addicts, is not a one-size-fits-all deal, and it’s always easier said than done, but it sure helps to read these steps as reassurance. I love when you mention going back to bed for a while after making sure the kids are fed and watching TV – I was feeling SO guilty because I’ve done that a few times. I felt I deserved the “worst mother of the year” award!

    • You’re welcome. I’m so glad you found something helpful in my writing. I did the TV back to bed trick again this morning, felt guilty, then remembered your comment and knew I was not alone! We gotta stick together! Hope you’re having a wonderful day and thank you for reading.

  4. I feel all of it, everything you say is so true. I find myself picturing my life more without him, than with him. But after 18 years, it’s so hard to figure out what to do

  5. I asked him to move out today. It was a vey hard decision, with lots of prayers and looking at ramifications to all of us. But, I did it anyway and I feel better. Glad it’s off my chest and turning into action. Thanks for the checklist. I’m sure I will be reviewing it over the next few weeks/months. RELIEVED that I might be happy once again!!!!

  6. My husband and I are living apart, why does it tear me up so much??? I hate that he drinks, that when he would drink 8 beers I was the only adult in the home watching his 2 kids and mine….ugh! We took a financial break to save money but here we are a year later living a part, does he care – no???? I text him sappy stuff about us but he is so cold in his response, I cannot compete with his beer drinking or beer period. It really hurts and damn it I take it personal!!!!

    I am on anti-depressants and I cried for the first time last night talking about my pain the my parents, I hurt – does he????? I cry out to him and do stupid things for his attention, um negative attention !!!! Help me!! I want to be married to him but want a better man at the same time, do I divorce him?????

    I do this for my daughter, this is not her Dad, her Dad was a drug addict! I went to one Alnon meeting and someone there told me “just stick with the one you have, you will just find another drunk” eeeekkkkk!

    • It’s tearing you up for the same reasons it’s torn all of us up!!! You still love, care and mostly, worry for him. Is he going to drink himself to death? Is he going to get in a wreck from drinking and get seriously injured or even die? For me, and I would assume most of the other’s on this site from reading their comments, it is perfectly normal to feel this way and be in this position. What’s currently working for me, as we’ve only been separated for 1 month, is just reminding myself that this is HIS choice to continue drinking. I could beg, cry, talk to, bitch, nag and all the other things, but none of it is going to work if he doesn’t WANT to change. What’s holding me together is “letting go, and letting God”. I have no power over his drinking, so I let go and quit trying to control it and am letting God take over what He has the power to do. I had a friend tell me that I was torturing myself for continuing to baby him after I asked him to move. WHAT?!? It’s my fault that I’m feeling like this? But you know what, he was right. I was doing it to myself by continuing to make his drinking problem my problem. I still want to be married too, so I know what you mean. BUT, I DESERVE to be happy and have a happy marriage with a man who puts me AND the kids before his beer. And until I get that, he doesn’t come home. And if he doesn’t pull his head out of his rear end and get it together, I will go find a man who will give me what I deserve!!! Good luck and I hope your heart heals soon!!!

      • I have been divorced 7 weeks from an alcoholic that I was married to for 28 years. Every day my emotions are on a roller coaster ride because I continue to worry about him, his jobless situation, his drinking, his health, etc., etc. What I do to bring myself back into the moment is clap my hands together very hard and very loud (so that it hurts) and then say out loud a drinking incident that put me over the edge. It works like a charm everytime, the pain from clapping my hands, breaks my train of thought and the oral reminder to myself of the drunk incident brings me back into today. I do this pretty much every single day.

      • Thank you for your post. I’m in the process of divorcing my alcoholic husband after 32 years. I know I will worry constantly about him, but I can’t live with the behaviors anymore. I’ll mourn what our lives should be/could be…but there are too many incidents to tolerate anymore. I like your idea of bringing yourself back to reality everyday.

      • My husband is a mean dilusionsal drunk. He acts bipolar alot . And I am tired of his verbal emotional abuse that know affect my children. I want him to move out and send the child support through the mail. I never would thought
        that there would come a day that I couldn’t stand to be near the love of my life

    • Denise,
      Find strength in yourself, our problems usually are that they (the drinkers) put us down to make themselves feel better, therefore we loose our self confidence, when in reality, we are the strong ones. You have to realize you dont need anyone just yourself to be happy and your kids, they should come first. Not a abusive relationship. I know how you feel though, my first husband was also a alcoholic. My children are from him, my new husband is one too! But he lied to me and i did not find out about all the lies, till after we were married and bought our dream house which turned into a nightmare!
      I am working on myself to be a stronger person and move on..But don’t be hard on yourself, it takes time and everyone moves on, when they are ready. I was a very strong independent women when I met my husband, he has beaten me down with his words and humiliated me more than i can say. Made me feel less than anything, and hurt me beyond anything. Called me names I have never even new existed.
      One time I tripped and fell. I was bleeding from my knee, I fell on little rocks at a car dealership in the winter it was icy out. He came over to me and said “get up, just getup” and walked away, he didn’t help me at all. Then when we left the dealership (he was driving) he made me go with him to a bar for a drink,
      (I do not drink) and when he had enough, he made me drive home. I went to take off my jeans and i couldn’t get them off because my knee was so swollen, I had to cut off my jeans. I put ice on it, and went to the Drs the next day. (I drove myself there) I had a x-ray and i had a partial tear in my meniscus. I had to keep it up for 7 days, not suppose to put any weight on it. He had to cook for me and help me to the bathroom. But most of the time i fended for myself he disappeared a lot.
      But from that day on i decided I was better than that, and no-one should treat someone they love that way.
      I am getting stronger every day, and I know I will tell him I want a divorce Or just file for one.
      Stand tall- you can do it.

  7. Haven’t left yet but am getting close. When i think I am ready then he comes home fairly sober and reminds me why i fell in love in the first place and so I put it off…not sure why because I know this will only last a day or two. He is a functional, HA! alcoholic, holds down a good job, we have no debt (that I know about), a nice home etc… but he can’t have a logical conversation with me at night because he is half drunk, he sleeps all weekend in his chair because he has had too much to drink. So many things we don’t do because I am afraid he will get drunk and embarrass me or because he doesn’t want to, just wants to sit in his chair and drink. Doesn’t sound as bad as some of the other stories but I want a participating husband, I want conversation, I want to be proud of the person I am married too…I will get there. Your comments and stories help.

    • I am curious as to where almost there is now? This is exactly my story and I am wondering where 4 months in the future where you are at? I get the same hope when he doesnt come home sloppy drunk.

    • I hear you “almost there.” I am married 36years;started dating 42 years ago. Your post sounds a lot like my life. (but we do have some mortgage debt, and our daughter’s wedding to pay for… All good stuff.) I am in the house with him but lonely for a relationship with someone who is just nice. My guy drinks after work and is nasty to me in the evenings but has forgotten by morning. I have no desire to be with him physically. I thought there was something wrong with me but now I believe I don’t want to be with him bceecause I don’t trust his love or our relationship. He has verbally abused me, and publicly humiliated me. Unlike other posters who say they worry about their estranged alcoholic, I don’t think I care. If he had an accident in front of me on the rode, I think I would drive on by. I only feel emotion for my children and the fact that he is their father. When I think of the nice things he has done, I feel badly for thinking this way. Then I think of when he called me a B—– tonight, and I want him out of my life. Therein lies the conflict. The Dr. Jeckly Mr. Hyde, the zero to sixty behavior, I just want peace.

      • I am still almost there except now I have a place rented and lots of support from friends and family. My hesitation is the conversation which will be horrible and make me feel more guilty than I already feel for doing this behind his back. I am reading alot about alcoholic behavior , anti social behavior and writing in a journal. The journal helps on the days he is being nice…what I realize is that he is just being nice, not supportive, or emotionally available, or honest or sober. I feel like my own brain is against me but beginning to understand the manipulation that has trained me to think this way over the years. Because of his terrible temper now is when this gets dangerous, my friends and family say “don’t have a conversation before, wait until you are out and call him.” He did say that the next person to try and leave will get a bullet and they are probably giving me sound advice that is for my own safety but it feels bad. Still almost there, but way closer than a few months ago.

      • Kelli, thank you for responding to my post. Please follow your friends’ advice. A threat is a threat. Consider a restraining order as well.
        I am so encouraged by your courage. Stepping out on our own is scary, but I do believe we lose a part of ourselves when we stay. The unpredictable behavior is also stealing my joy. Praying that we all find peace!

      • Mary,
        I think peace is out there, we just have to walk through the pain to get there. It’s only pain right? I hope you can find what you need to start the walk. I think it will be worth it in the end.

      • i was wondering if anyone felt this way? even if he sobered up tomorrow not sure i want to continue — too little too late feelings have changed

      • @Rose: Too little to late – same here. My husband has just started AA. This is great I know and I want the best for him. Im shocked to realize that event so, I’ve passed my breaking point. I’m to forgive 7×70…….. I know. I can’t seem to talk with him without venting the pain of the last XX years. The coping mechanisms that I created to survive are preventing me from accepting that things will change. While I was not the reason for his drinking, I may be the reason that his recovery is delayed. I don’t want to particpate. Ashamed….

      • Hey Calledeverynameandthensome;
        I hear you about too little too late. I left my AH 3 months ago now and he claims to be in recovery. I am proud of him and hope that he stays sober for his kids and grandchild. I thought maybe my feelings would change so I have been meeting with him to talk and although he has been mostly respectful of my boundaries our conversations are always about him, his sadness, his recovery, how he doesn’t even want to drink, how he is all better and dealing with everything. He seems less angry but I still get anxious when I see or talk to him, I have no desire to spend time with him and want to move on. I felt guilty at first but when I think about the past 14 years i realize that my feelings have changed and nothing he does now is going to make me want to go back. Do I miss parts of the relationship? Of course. Do I feel sad for what has been lost? Absolutely. But the calm that I feel when I don’t have contact with him is so nice and the realization that when I go home the house will be peaceful is a very big deal. I never want to feel like a prisoner again, I never want to feel hopeless and exhausted again. I’m done and if that makes me a bad guy because NOW he has decided to make a change then so be it!!!

    • me too! he is functioning, but drinks every single day, goes to a bar then comes home and drinks some more, never any room for normal conversations. They always end up back about him. We are all in the same boat, we need a life raft!

      • This site is helping me tonight. Your comments seem relavant! I have lived a life as an alcoholic child and now a wife of 28 years. This roller coaster life needs to end. I want to leave – never had kids – love my house. He would never leave it. I must go. He has Parkinson’s early on set. He drank before the diagnosis heavily. Now…terrible! He smokes tons of pot. He is rough on me. He is sweet then turns angry. Manipulation. I have been in my bedroom. I live in it most days. I hate it. Most places will not allow dogs…my shih tzu Charlee is my child. I am always looking to find a place to live. I have to go to counseling. Save money! Leave!

    • me too..He has a job, no bills, nice house, many cats! No life! we used to entertain, but i couldn’t stand the way he treated me after everyone left.
      He get so into himself that nothing else matters and I are just collateral damage. I feel invisible when he starts drinking, he always comes home after stopping for a few, then continues at home. He spends all of his time talking and flirting on facebook. Im just plain sick of it. No conversations, no kissing no hugs no love..I am done! How about you?

      • So glad I found this site. I am getting ready to leave after 33 years. seeing a lawyer on Monday. I relate to everything you have all said. mine is high functioning as well- abusive when drunk, then nice as pie the next day. he won’t stop drinking. He has made me feel guilty about my demand that he stop drinking!! So I am going- can’t wait!!!

  8. It’s been over 30 years, and I’m finally done! I was always so afraid, where am I going to live, can I live without him because I still love him however, he IS NOT the man I married 38 yrs ago! Well, I’m done! After cleaning up so many messes, and the embarrassment of having the neighbors see him face down on the front deck, face down was so embarrassing I couldn’t look my neighbors in the face for months! I work part time. He was laid off 2-8-13 and isn’t even trying to find a job, he’s got more excuses than I can post here! Well, I do have a job, I will have a place to live, and I WILL start living again. I’m done with threats, I’m done with living with a Drunk Room-Mate! He can go live with his mother 150 miles north from me and I will begin a new life…Finally!!
    For who ever is reading this, don’t think anything is ever going to change-it won’t!!!
    Waiting for my attorney to call for my consultation and then the ball gets rolling, no matter what!!!

  9. Spot on advice! The best part is it’s not about leaving exactly; it’s about building the life you want, and need, to survive the addict. Whether you stay or go.

  10. I have left my alcoholic husband of 28 years on Nov. 22. 2014 I haven’t seen him since. I have a lot to say just not tonight . I have read all the entries and am glad to be among women who know my lot. Stay strong and know that life can be better.
    On my own.

  11. i have never wrote on anything like this before but i always read them… looking for some type of answers or “normalcy” but deep down inside i know the answers. i have known my husband since 5th grade. we got together at 19 and were married at 26. i am 29 now and going through hell. my husband is an alcoholic. he is an emotional binge drinker meaning, he can go months without drinking but as soon as he’s depressed, angry etc he will drink for days straight, missing work, passing out… you name it. We have no children and everyone seems to tell me run for the hills b/c there arent any children involved. That statement alone confuses me. Does children make the love i have for him more? he is my best friend, lover and husband. we have been together for 10+ years but have known each other since we were children. 😦 his drinking has caused so much embarrassment, so much confusion and financial strain. We are christians, we did pre marital counseling before we got married and everything was on the table. everyone who knows us personally says its a “spiritual” battle but i honestly am tired of hearing that. my husband is 100% puerto rican and his mother practices “Santeria” – spanish voodoo. people say , she’s done things to us and even he’s said that she’s doing things to make us fall apart. when he’s drunk, he says horrible things to me that he would never say drunk, it has only gotten worse since we’ve been married. i want to leave but i cant. im so torn b/c if i can just take out the “sober” him i will have the love of my life who i’ve know all my life but if i leave i loose the person i feel was made for me. what do i do? im sorry if my story is jumbled up… so much to type , so much emotion and not enough space. please help me

    • You aren’t ready to leave yet. Your still in love , but mostly denial. Or maybe addicted to the alcoholic. Please go to al-anon. I’ve learned the 3 c’s : you can’t cure it , control it and you didn’t cause it. He’s an alcoholic. Your already lonely. I’ve left after 14 years. Take care of yourself.

    • I wish I left at 29. I am almost 55. I think my body defied my soul. I never felt calm enough living with him to conceive. Childless. Lonely. It gets deeper than what you are feeling now. Mostly, OLD! I finally see the light! Wish it shined upon my soul earlier. Feeling like I waisted my life.

      • Don’t you dare put the blame on yourself..You are the strong one. If he wants to visit the kids make sure they are short visits, no overnights. Till he proves to you that he has stopped drinking. I can’t tell you how many times I let my x take the kids only to find out he was having parties and had no intentions of taking care of our children. A neighbor called me to tell me that my kids (at the time were 3 and 5) were outside playing by the road with no-one there watching them, she took them in and I went and got them. I called him later to ask him where the kids were ..and told him I had them, he had no clue! He lied to you and left you and married someone else, you should be super made and now it’s time for you to get on with your life. The law is on your side.

  12. I have been married for almost 32 years and it has been a roller coaster of drinking, rehabs, staying sober for the longest +-3 years. No reason to start again, just has to, had enough feel I want a life now. Tired of going every where by myself, might as well be divorced feel like I am his mother. Tired of him feeling sorry for himself, life is tough but there is always someone worse off. I have raised two amazing sons, praise the Lord they realise the dangers of drinking and don’t want to go down that road. Always feel responsible and it is not my responsibility, time I looked after me.

    Love and respect to all who can stay and put up with it.

  13. My AH wont leave. I have a great life without him but I can’t get rid of him. 3 years until our youngest is off to college. No way we are together after that but we should not have to change our living situation because he can’t control himself.

  14. My father was an alcoholic and I have been married to an alcoholic for 33 years, so I have no clue what it is like to live with someone who is sober for more than 1 week, and that was many years ago. Now every night. He is a functional alcoholic, he has a steady job and all, but loses a little more of his mind each day which, I think, is due to alcoholic dementia–his brain has been damaged. I start seeing a counselor tomorrow, don’t know if I can afford a divorce much less live alone and support myself. I work, but don’t make that much and I am scared. I hope the therapist can help me. Tammy

    • Hi Tammy, Your post sounds like I could have written it. How are you doing now, two months later? I have been seeing a counselor as I was wanting to be out of my 36 year marriage, but overwhelmed by the divorce process. I am still living with my functioning alcoholic but more and more I wish I was free from the almost daily drama. What kills me is the nice guy nasty guy behavior. I let down my guard and get hurt and the cycle keeps repeating. Ugh!

  15. My story is so similar to everyone’s here. Married for 11 years to an alcoholic and we’ve got 2 kids. Each year got progressively worse. I’ve stood by him through job loss after job loss DUI after DUI. 2 jail sentences. Most recently his brother who was addicted to oxy was going through a divorce, got high, then took a 9mm and went to my sister in laws house while she and the kids were home and tried to shoot everyone. He ended up taking his own life and everyone else got out safely. Made me realize that the physical, verbal and mental abuse I’ve been living with could have an ending that I can’t save everyone from. My husband was sober for 2 weeks after his brother died. Promised us all he would change then one night about 3 weeks ago he was drunk and shoved my 10 yr old son because he made a comment about seeing my husband peeing in the bathroom sink. When I said I would call the police he got mad and kicked open my sons bedroom door hitting him really hard upside the head. I called, he was arrested, filed restraining order on him, filed for divorce by weeks end and am now living 2 hrs away from him with my kids. We have to start over which is probably the hardest part. At least with the drinking I knew how to handle the day to day because we’ve been doing it for so many years. This whole starting over thing is frightening. Don’t know if I’m strong enough for my kids to do it. We want to go back to that house but I’m afraid of retaliation. The divorce will be messy and his parents believe I overreacted and that it’s just too bad the marriage didn’t work. I had to have knee surgery because he shoved me so hard that I tore my ACL. My daughter ran screaming for help when he punched me so hard I fell to the floor. The marriage didn’t work because he couldn’t change. I put up with it for years but I guess as a Catholic you take vows in sickness and in health so in my inlaws mind I’m abandoning him and my vows.
    Had to be done for the sake of the kids especially when he hurts them too. But I feel as though I will lose throughout the divorce process and he will have kids alone and be drunk. I don’t pray for him to get better. I pray my kids and I get stronger every day and move on to a happier peaceful life.

    • My first husband was abusive physically and mentally to me and the kids. I broke up with him when my kids were 5 and 2 . Then we went back together for 6 months, it obviously didn’t work out. The problem was I missed what I never had and could not understand why. Until you realize- you are not the problem and move on, it will stay the same. They do not leave unless- like you, get a restraining order. I had to get one too, so many times of abuse with spankings and leaving a hand print on there little bums. Or hitting them in the side of the head for no reason. Or leaving them in the car when he went into the store and the kids hit the gear shift and it went back wards into the road and he laughed as he told me..one day I came home from work and I he was watching tv, it was dark out, I couldn’t find the kids, he said OH they were getting loud there in the back yard. The What! I went in the back yard they were cuddled together it was snowing, and they were both of there diapers were soaking sopping wet.
      I was flabbergasted, a father like that they did not need. All he ever did was come home and drink and smoke pot. Never helped out with the kids,so many missed fun times for both the kids and him, and boy did he have a temper.
      So the next day I went to a lawyer and filed for a divorce and never looked back. But now my new husband is also a alcoholic..so when i leave I wont look back again. Thank goodness my kids are all grown up! I will never get married again!

  16. So glad I found this tonight. I have a pill addicted husband. We’ve been married for 25 years and have a 12 year old daughter. He has been to 3 good treatment centers over the years. My daughter and I moved out for 4 months when he went crazy for a while but we moved back in when he started going to meetings and seemed to be getting better. I should have known better. He’s a nicer person now but is still taking pills. He spends most evenings and weekends sleeping. He says I abandoned him when I left him. He has so many grudges and is always so negative. I am normally a very happy person despite my husband but this is really wearing on me. I think it may be time for us to move out for good. I just can’t live like this anymore. I keep asking God for a sign telling me the right thing to do. I feel sorry for him and we’ve been together for so long. My daughter told me he won’t get better unless we leave him. Smart kid. I worry that he will get partial custody of her on the weekends. He knows how to pass drug tests and even has this pee holder that you hook up to yourself somehow. The thing is – he believes he is no different from people who have a beer to relax. He used to take hydrocodone but now I think it’s mostly pills like Xanax in excessive doses. I know I can survive on my own even though I don’t make much money as a teacher, but how do I know if it’s time to move out?

    • Listen to your daughter, she is smart! tough Love works, if you have to leave you should no-one should have to be the co-dependent.

  17. I’m glad I found this. I have been putting up with his drunken, raging behavior for about 5 years. It seems way better than some of the stories here, but is still scary & devastating. I seem to mirror what “Almost There” (above) is experiencing, and I have not left or divorced yet, but I should. Only drinks on the weekends, but it often ends up in breaking things, yelling, threats, rage & talking/yelling at himself or just yelling about past events that seem random. I have moved out twice, for a few months at a time, but always come back because I love him and when he is not awful, he’s a good man. I know I want a participating husband, someone to make plans & dreams with, plan a future, be proud of, continue our journey together. We are not young, 45 & 47, but we chose not to have kids & being best friends and great partners is falling apart. I have just started going to alanon again and I am committed to once a week. I am really struggling with figuring out what to do. I don’t want to feel this way 1-5-10 years from now. I have lost my sparkle. I am a different, less happy person now. I can’t seem to quit wishing for the man I fell in love with to come back. Today is our anniversary – very sad. I see a counselor, have taken some steps, just can’t seem to get farther.

    • Your situation sounds alot like mine. justified staying because he isn’t as bad as alot of the stories I have heard AND the times he is good make me hesitate because I don’t want to hurt him. What I am realizing is that his behavior has stolen my joy. I am not the happy person I used to be and I am anxious most of the time wondering what I am going to get when I get home from work. My husband is a functioning alcoholic but he also has a real anger problem, always negative, can’t find anything positive to say most of the time. The last time I tried to talk to him about the anger and the drinking he said that the next person that tries to leave him will get a bullet (he has had two previous failed marriages). That is what did it for me so now I am planning to leave, I have put hings in place and am seeing a therapist, it has helped me get (mostly) past that paralyzed state and my guilt and worry for him. I am now excited about having a happy future…not looking forward to the actual day I leave which will be soon as I know I will feel horrible but it is now clear that if I don’t I will regret it down the road. There is so much to be happy about, so many wonderful adventures that I want to have and I have realized I can’t do that with him. it is time to take care of me. You will get there, It took me about three years of being on a roller coaster…I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

      • Thanks Kelli its good to hear that someone has actually gotten out of this horrible situation

    • Ditto, I have been told by all my friends and family i should leave, I just wanted this to work out so much..but once you realize it wont, you have to move on. I am 66 years old, but do not look it, I am active, healthy and usually happy, However this past year i have been sad and lonely and like you the joy is gone.
      I gained a little weight and that is just not me..I need to get back to me and just leave. We have a house, I will miss it. I hate how he always says if i leave, our cats will have to go to a pound, so i am looking for a place i can stay with my cats. They say you can live together even if your divorced, but I dont think so, if your married to a alcoholic, it would just be the same. My husband was sweet and loving, kind so many things i was looking for in the beginning, but all he was looking for was a ride to the bar and back.

      • Yes that is me…The driver. If I am in the car with him he tells me how to drive. It is weird. He pissed himself as he drank at the free concert took his cheap strong beer with him. NonFun for me. Life has to be better than this…

  18. I here all the stories and i understand. I am married to an alcoholic wife for the last 23 years who was a doctor. She has lost all control and job and has been to 3 treatment facilities and not ones has worked. I have looked back on this and wondered why i have stayed so long and it is because i have felt that i am not worthy of a normal life as i have lived 49 years with alcoholism and do not know how good a life could be free from all the distractions.

    • YOU could try! Do you go to Al-Anon? I have not yet, but I believe it will help both of us cope.Family and friends help too. Read this book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, it really helps you to realize your not the alone.

  19. I’ve been married 24 yrs to a woman I’ve loved since day 1 we have 4 beautiful daughters 2 at home 2 moved out .
    My wife started drinking daily 5-6 yrs ago at first a glass or 2 now how much do you have its embarrassing when shes all wasted and its obvious to everyone but her.
    If i leave her what will happen to her i worry and feel responsible we own a business and its been hard for the last 3 yrs or so which hasn’t helped but i feel all alone and overwhelmed trying to take care of everything she cares only about weight lifting and drinking .
    My children will be very upset if i kick her out of the house not sure what to do ?
    I asked her 100 times to go to treatment she wont go.

    • How sad is this, it sounds like you had a good relationship before the alcohol. Its even harder when you have children. How does it effect the girls at home? Do they bring home there friends or are they to embarrassed too? Perhaps if the kids ask her to go to a treatment that might work.

  20. I too am married to a functioning alcoholic. I’m 34 and my wife 44. We first meet 9 years ago in DC and she loved to drink heavily then. Fast forward 9 years (the past 4 married) and she still is a heavy heavy smoker and binge drinker (she loves the wine).

    Not only has it taken it’s toll on her physically but also mentally. She looks like she’s aged 20 years in the past 10 and she’s downright miserable. I have begged…… BEGGED her to stop but she just won’t do it. One glass of wine turns into a bottle then multiple bottles. She becomes belligerent, emotionally abusive and disgusting. I have grown to resent her and now downright hate her. Why, why, did I marry this woman 😦

    • You married for love, I am assuming! Alcoholics are at there best, lying.
      I married a high school chum after 26 years of being alone, because my first husband was a alcoholic and i did not want a repeat performance. He was sweet and kind and did everything I wanted in a man, I thought at last I have finally met someone honest. What a joke! He was good until we got married then the real guy came out, but it was to late. I wanted to try to be the one he would give up alcohol for. But that person does not exist..they have to want it, its not up to us. He said to me..I have been this way mu whole life either live with it or leave me. I am still here after 6 years going on 7, but I too dont want to have to keep picking up the pieces anymore. He stopped being a husband 2 years ago, we live separately in our house, this is not living to me, its a existence. I live in Limbo and he just keeps being himself.

  21. I have been separated from my alcoholic husband for 9 months now. I have finely realized he will never change and in all honesty he has been addicted to something most of his life- we were High school sweethearts and I ended our relationship then because he got hooked on cocaine. 30 years later and thanks to FB we reconnected. He had stopped doing drugs for 17 years but he was still drinking. He told me he wanted to stop and wanted a better life- I fell hook line and sinker! For the past 5 years I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster but I have lost time, finances, friends because of his alcoholism and I am now at the point where it’s time to move on with my life. I hate getting a divorce but know it is the only way I will be able to go forward. The thing that makes me sad is- I’m not sure if he ever loved me or if it was all manipulation because of the alcohol? I do feel all of your pain it seems like it is all the same for the people who love an alcoholic.

    • I don’t know. You might not ever know. There is still so much I don’t know. Maybe it’s not ours to know? I do know I needed to move on and get my own life. That was true when I wrote this and is still true today. I hope you will listen to what you know and work outwards from that quiet place of strength. It will get bigger.

  22. I am still in my marriage, if you want to call it that. He keeps us together by controlling everything. You might want to recommend people in this situation to read: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, it really helps you to realize your not the only one.
    We have 5 cats and he says if we separate/divorce the cats will end up in a pound. I would not let that happen. I live separate from him,in our own home, but its still hard. Thank you so much for his information it really helps.

  23. I have done much research on this subject however there is very little for people in my situation. I am a 41 year old man with an alcoholic wife. We have two kids both girls one 6 and one is 12. I have one successful business and a fledgling second business which is bound to be successful if it is not derailed by the dysfunction and toxic environment in our home. We used to work in the restaurant industry which is conducive to heavy drinking. 10 years ago I stopped working in the service industry because it was bad for my health, attitude, and poorly compensated. After I quit we moved to be closer to my parents as my mom was ill. We moved back to our home town and the trouble started.

    She kept working as a waitress and fell in with a bad group of coworkers. She started partying and showing up at home wasted a few times a week. I worked at nights and usually as not home until 1 or 1.30 in the morning and many times when I got home her car would still be warm and she would just have gotten the fire in the wood stove started as if she just pulled in before me. Any time I worked away from home or all night she would go out with co workers and I would hear stories from acquaintances about her antics while I was gone. She is always drinking after 3 in the afternoon. Unless she is EXTREMELY hung over. But even then she normally has a few. After a year of this I gave her an ultimatum and told her to quit the job and she fought me but finally relented and quit and came out on the road with me and worked with me and we kind of started over.

    My new career demands me to be on the road 3 months a year three months in a row. after all this we moved again as she wanted to quit the service industry. So we moved and she became pregnant with our youngest daughter. We got along famously while she was pregnant. (sober). She had our girl and went back to school 5 days later. I had the baby, a job (because my new career is lucrative but can’t support a family for a year.) and preparation for my busy season. As my wife was in school and she had a very difficult major so she did not work. We did get along for a few years. She was busy with school and I was happy to do what ever it took for her to achieve her goals.

    She was between her second and third year of school when it started really showing again when she drank. I knew she was drinking a lot again and I asked her to keep it under control. She had an hour commute each way to school. When I got back from being on the road I took her car and cleaned it out. There were at least 40 minis of various hard alcohol and beer cans under the seat. I confronted her and told her to stop. I printed out the costs of a dui and told her that if she got one coming home from school that she would lose her financial aid and she would not be able to achieve her life long goal. The only reason she kind of put a lid on the drinking was because of not being able to get her degree. But all she really did was throw the minis out before she got home so I wouldn’t find them.

    Then she would get drunk and accuse me of molesting the girls. Which she has done a few times. Totally fucking crazy. Which I end up leaving the house and staying away until she sobers up and there is no fear of domestic violence. Also between the first and second year of school she began blacking out and telling me she hated me and then would say I reject her and trying to have sex with me. My dad is a heavy alcoholic and also very abusive to me growing up.

    Finally she finished school and we moved again. She got a job and we were starting again. The bleack outs started being more frequent and severe. She was so drunk after an office christmas party she went out with coworkers and I saw her slip on the ice when they dropped her off then she passed out in the hall in the hotel. I got dressed and went out into the hall of the hotel we had gotten for the night so we didn’t have to drive, and she had disappeared so I listened to the rooms and heard her in someones room. It was 2.30 am and I knocked on the door and this huge native guy answered the door. He asked me what I had done to my wife and I said she had gone out with friends and I was watching the kids at the hotel. He was really angry and I was for sure he was going to attack me. I finally got her out of there and when we got to the room she lashed out at me calling me a dramatic and telling me I crossed a line because she was totally fine and she knew what she was doing… Whatever. Fast forward two years two dozen black outs one episode that involved her trying to stab me and then hitting me multiple times before she ran out of the house. She continues to drink and go out to the bars at least a few times a month even when I am not home.

    She drinks all the time at home and when she goes out she dances and boozes it up till the music stops and can’t even ride her bike home without falling and causing bruises and cuts. And usually when she gets home she tells me she hates me or wants to have sex. And if I say anything she just says she sorry and that’s the end of it. If I say anything else she gets pissed and called me names and says I’m being dramatic. I am working on the road and I need to work until mid June. At that point I think I will kick her out and start over with the kids.

    I am just so frustrated and depressed and filled with anxiety every weekend because I know she is going to go out and make a fool out of herself and leave the kids at home alone. What a stupid situation.

    • IAnxiety time…I am 41 too and I wish our similarities stopped there. I am very sorry for your situation. It’s not easy especially when kids are involved. Just know your kids deserve better you deserve better and your wife does too. Until August of this year I was dealing with it all. It took my husband shoving and hurting my son to get out. Don’t wait until she hurts the kids or you to make your move. Yes, alcoholism is a disease but you can choose how it’s going to impact you. I’m sure you love your wife. I love my ex husband but staying and putting up with it all is enabling. I wish you the best

    • Your wife, like my husband are never going to change, My first husband was also a alcoholic and as soon as he started abusing the children verbally and physically I divorced him. Children need a solid ground, you are there solid ground.
      Work with Medicaid people to find a good nanny, for when you are away, or a family members,grandmothers and grandfathers are great, it gives them time to bond. Children suffer greatly from living in this atmosphere,give them a chance to heal, away from the problem, sometimes the thought of loosing everything will change a alcoholic, sometimes not..they love the bottle more than there lives with there family. Sad but true.
      Give yourself a break…you have done enough to try to keep it together, last resort goto a therapist, but in most cases they wont go because they know they have to quit and they do not want to. YOU can not change them, they have to want to. Mine told me he will not i am to live with it or move on..Im still here but…i want to leave, but i love my home and i would not be able to purchase another, I have to make the decision to leave also..It is hard when you work so hard to keep what you love, its hard to walk away, and we often just put up with the pain of what is, rather than realizing what could be.
      But you have to think of your kids, how are they coping with this situation, they have been a part of it long enough, ask them what they would want you to do, stay or go?

      • My oldest daughter is completely fed up with her moms bad behavior and I can see the youngest one retreating because of the drama. I have completely had it. I still love her and wish it could work but I think that it is just a wish. I am just hoping she can hold it together till June so I can give her papers and send her on her way. No one wants such a drastic change but it takes courage and foresight to see that the kids will be better off and so will I.

        We did go to therapy but that was just a bandaid to get us through until I started working again. Really she is an addict and I grew up surrounded by addicts and I won’t force my kids to grow up in that kind of household.

        Thanks for your responses.

  24. Like someone else wrote, I have read tons of information but never have put my situation out there. We just “celebrated” our 40th wedding anniversary. Not so much of a celebration when your husband is an alcoholic. As I look back over the years, I should have left a long time ago. We have a beautiful, successful 35 year old daughter who is also my best friend. He was a loving father to her, and has never been physically or verbally abusive to either one of us. I have stayed with him because of her and now with two grandsons. I was raised to be concerned with “what will people think?” and am guilty of hiding his alcoholism and making excuses. I am a retired teacher who continues to work part-time at a job I dearly love. Last September I joined a ladies small group Bible study which really turned things around for me. I let go of trying to fix him and the situation and let God help me to live my life more for HIM without regretting the last 35 years after our daughter was born. Although my husband doesn’t like my new independence, I am living for myself now. He does still work, and I still worry about his drinking and driving and losing his job if he drinks on the job. Finally, why am I still here? Neither one of us can afford pay separate living expenses. I could, more so than him which I have not been able to make that decision because I think he would completely deteriorate. Again, I’m faced with can I do that to my daughter and grandsons? We are living separate lives under the same roof. I am to the point of communicating with him as little as possible because he disgusts me. I’m done!

      • YOU are right…I retreat to my loft, but just knowing what could have been, is a sad thought to live with every day. I have known true love and it is so wonderful…I hope someday I will have it again.

    • Yes i know completely how you feel, my husband of soon to be 7 years, is also a Alcholic, and marijuania smoker. Neither are any good for anybody, no matter what they say,I suppoose for those that the marijuania is a medical reason than that is fine, but my husband combines them and he turns into a zombie! Or if he just drinks than he is abusive verbally and on a daily basis being controlling and cruel in his verbal conversations. He had a heart attach 2 years ago, I moved up to my loft 6 months ago,we have not had any intimate times together since his heart attack, even though they gave him the ok too! Not that i would be interested, but i may have tried shortly after the heart attach and surgery. He has called me evrey name in the book and usually after his 4th drink, I have been through many embarrasing times with this man, yet i too am here because, i do not want to give up my house or sepatate my 5 adoring cats! I have reached my limit, i tried to control the situatiuon and realized i can not, i gave up and handed him to jesus, he is in his hands now. He actually has been at least livable since i handed him to god, the toture continues but its less..most likely because i dont let him get to me or put myself in harms way. Although we did go out the other night, once in a while you just want to, to see if maybe they have changed…YA right! The objective was as he put it to have a fish fry, so we go out and a friend stopped in and I Knew i was doomed, they drank until they were drunk. I said lets just go home, he said no I want a frish fry, so the friend left, we sat down to eat dinner and he had to go to the bathroom, time passed, im like where is he, he got lost coming back from the bathroom, they had to bring him to our table. Then he just sat here and stared into space, ate one bite of food. I cut him off at this point as he would just drink it like water in one gulp! We went home and he went right to bed, somehow he managed to get into the house. there have been occations where he sat in the car for 2 to 3 hours before he was sober enough to wonder in. I do not help him he would fall and i would get hurt trying. He has fallen and broken his bones, cut his face, made crude remarks to friends, he has 4 drinks and then he cant carry on a conversation, its really sad. But he says “it is what he does”. So I go our with my friends, i do not drink, i belong to clubs, I go to church functions.. this keeps me busy. I am a Artist, Fine Art Painter and go to shows. He is not invited along. Not that he would go anyway, unless there was wine. When we were dating, it was wonderful, he was wonderful, he did everything a lady could ask for. Then the minute we where married everythig changed, and he said to me later, oh i just did that to get you.I thnk he needed a driver to get to bars and get home, I was flabergasted…beyond belief, that anyone would lie like that. But do you know that you can be leaglly divorced and live togeather-separately, but together . So many people now a days can’t afford to not be togther. I willl be doing this option…..then most likely leaving at some time. I wish you well…

      • Thank you, Margaret! I pray for you, as well. I just finished redoing MY happy place in a room upstairs. It’s nice and cozy . . . Just enough room for God and me!

    • You are in a tough situation, its hard as you say to disspapoint others, But you have to think of yourself for once. Alcholics only think of themselves, which i learned the hard way. My first husband was also a alcholic. He was verbally abusive to our two boys, when it got physical i got out. Being a single mom was hard, but my boys understood and were much happier due to the fact we argued all of the time and he never apologized, or if he did, he just repeated the action, so it was all voided. My situation now is simular but no kids…second marriage i vowed i never would again..but he won my heart and then crushed it. I most likely will move out or we will sell our house-which i really like. But he wont let me decorate it, a put down from him, as they all love to criticize us but cant take any themselves.I too have given up trying to fix him and let god take over, i am much happier, except for when he interviens and treats me poorly or calls me swear words -horrible names. They cut like a knife and really hurt to the bone, I am trying to be thicker skined and not to let it hurt me, it just does because this person is suppose to love me. I go out with my grown up kids when i can-my second husband does not like my family or my kids-because they dont like the way he talks to me or treats me. Its hard to be in a loveless marriage, he is so cold, and yet talks and talks to people on the internet-facebook. I do not communicate with him unless i have to, i wont go out with him because he just embarrasses me every single time, he gets drunk, very boring.

  25. Wow!!!!! My life was written here. 24 years with my wife. Married 15 of those 24. Wife is a raging alcoholic now and my court date for divorce is in 2 weeks. I’m devastated that alcohol is more important than me and my daughter. I have so much healing and so much to learn yet but I have realized one thing in this past week I cannot match wits with an alcoholic

  26. I’m in the process of divorcing now, too. My wife isn’t an alcoholic, but she has a terrible shopping addiction. Several times a year it would come to light that she hadn’t been paying bills for months. I’d end up having to hand over everything I’d tried to save to pay off those bills, and go to my family for the rest of the money.

    Where did she spend it? Mostly on clothes and restaurants. Toward the end she admitted that she’d been hiding her purchases from me.

    It’s a confusing situation. We get along better than most couples I know, but she simply used me up. I can’t trust her any more; I’m sure that most people wouldn’t have put up with her reckless behavior as long as I did. I’m sad, and scared, and I don’t really have anybody to talk to. But I know that I can’t live with her any more. I deserve better, and at this point even living alone will be an improvement.

  27. My husband says he stopped drinking when I left in December, maybe he has, I hope so but I don’t trust his words as he has lied so many times. I am done, too many years of alcohol taking priority over our marriage, verbal abuse, disrespect of me and my family, dishonesty and apparently (I wasn’t aware of this until now) unfaithfulness. His family is not speaking to me and at this point I am really struggling with that as I am the one who communicated with them when he would not, who tried to help them when he was rude and disrespectful, drove him to weddings and other family functions that he would probably would not have attended. I cooked for everyone on all the holidays, took care of his sister when she had surgery, supported the family through the deaths of their parents and was the voice of reason when he became unreasonable, which was daily. I stuck up for his daughters when he mistreated them and made sure there were gifts for them and their significant others on birthdays and special occasions. I didn’t do those things to receive thanks but am very confused how I have become the bad guy, how my taking care of myself finally is being perceived as me doing something to him that is unfair or mean. He chose alcohol over our marriage for 14 years and now he has decide it is important to him…too late. I guess i didn’t think about all of the losses related to this decision, I thought that because his family has also been treated badly by him, that because they admittedly avoid being around him and have anxiety because of his anger and drinking that they might offer some understanding but that is not the case, I should have known, after all blood is thicker than water and alcoholism is a powerful disease that tears families apart…and keeps them together.

    • kelli – Perhaps his family just doesn’t want to bear the burden if he starts drinking again and now that you are not there to take care of him they are afraid. Who knows. You picked your happiness over his alcoholism. Be happy. Don’t worry about anything else.

  28. I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. We met in junior high school. it should have been a fairy tale. It was not. He’d always smoked marijuana, but he started drinking shortly before we were married. When we had kids it got worse. He very rarely had a job and even when he did, he never contributed to the household bills. He always spent it on himself at the liquor store, the bar, the strip joints, his dealer. As I slept alone, he was out at bars getting drunk and then driving our only vehicle. I was done with the relationship years ago, but never had the courage to do anything but complain and worry. On our 10th wedding anniversary, he started hanging out with another woman. They had a lot in common and she claimed she needed a place to stay temporarily. A month later, she was still at my house. They binge drank all night into the morning and slept all day when he was supposed to be watching our daughter. She had her own apartment and I finally called him from work and told him to move in with her. He did. That was 2 weeks ago. This past weekend he showed up at my door begging to speak to me and saying how much he doesn’t like it there and that they’ve only had done it once. She claims she is pregnant. I didn’t let him in, I told him to go away. I am done. I think it helps that I’ve been done for awhile. You shouldn’t wish for bad things to happen to your spouse, to wish that they just would disappear, not wake up from a drunken night, etc. I felt trapped and now I’m free of all of his stress, craziness, etc. No longer do I have to wonder where my car is at, when he will be pulled over for DUI and get the car impounded. My bank balance isn’t drained in the wee hours of the night at a bar (that alone is worth it).
    Every time I find myself missing a hug or intimacy, etc I think of a crazy time where he was drunk. I will never lie to myself and try to mold him into a good human being. He is not. He doesn’t deserve it. He deserves to be with an alcoholic that is just like himself. I see bums on the highway ramps and think that he will one day have a sign of his own. I choose not to let him weigh me down one single minute longer! It’s amazing how many people knew how much I made excuses for him. They see right through your stories. You aren’t fooling anyone but yourself….

    • I am so glad you are getting out of the relationship, My husband is an Alcholic, everyone tells me so and I know it. He works all day does not cheat, at least I do not think he does. Not that it matters we sleep in separate rooms, I cant stand the smell of alcohol and marijuania on him and it stinks up the whole room. He talk to many girls on the internet, one time one of the girls was coming this way and he was going to meet her for lunch, he initiated the meeting. He never even mentioned me in any of there conversations. I just happened to see it on his face book page or i never would have known. I spoke with her on facebook and told her he was married, she said he said i would not mind. I said “what would you think”, she said she thought it was a date.Then when she found out I didnt even know about it she declined and told him No and unfriended him then later refriended him! Not that that matters either, his real love is booze.We got together after not seeing each other after High school for 40 years, he wined and dined me, said exactly what i wanted to hear. I should have realized if it seems like it is to good to be true..it usually isnt! He did everything i needed to have done, and then we got married, everything changed there was a distance between us allhe wanted to do was drink..I dont even drink that much. Which is good- i believe he was just looking for a driver..ME! Right after we got married he said, great, now we can pay off all that stuff I bought you to get engaged…I was like what..i have topay for the so called love you showed me. He said well yea, i just put it on a credit card, so we canpay it back, including trips (Dates) gas, any way..I was flabergasted to say the least. I always believed Iwas his ONE guess not..Im just trying to figure out what i really want to do..move out most likely. We have a nice house, and 5 cats i love, its just hard to think of leaving it all.Except its really hard to be in a loveless relationship, when everything focuses on them.

      • Do you really want to stay with someone that tricked you into marrying him? You got the bait and switch. You have two choices really, stay and be miserable and eventually leave him or start a happier life now. Just take the cats and go. It sounds like he is already looking for someone else. Anyone that would tell someone that their wife wouldn’t mind if they went on a date with another woman isnt worth it.

  29. Thank you for this post. I am living this right now and looking for light anywhere I can in this dark situation. Thank you again, so appreciated.

  30. I had enough, cannot take night after night weekend after weekend with my husband of 3 years, the bottle goes everywhere with in. Im tired of the imbarrasment, the empty promises. Tired of my bedroom that smells like a brewery and pee.
    Now he says his disappointed in me…I mean really.

    • Betsie – Good for you for finally choosing you instead of him. Don’t live out the rest of your life in misery. Take control and move on with your life. I finally divorced mine 6 months ago and you know what I keep thinking? Why the heck did I not do this sooner? Life is sooooo much better without the stress, drama, and constant drinking.

  31. If you are reading this blog, then you already know that you are miserable. Do you really think it is going to get better? Perhaps…..but most likely not. You cannot control the other person. You cannot make them not drink. What you can do is start living for yourself instead of them. I finally got the courage to divorce my alcoholic/addict husband. Do you know what he is doing right now? Probably drinking or planning an evening at the bar. But guess what? No longer do I have to watch it, pay for it, complain about it, stress about what he will be like when he comes home. Will he go right to bed? Or will he come back cranky and want to pick a fight? He never hit me, but he was intimidating sometimes. I was kicked out of my bed and told to sleep on the couch many times. Accused of not being good enough, etc.
    I kicked him out on 6/29/2015. I missed him eventually, cried, wanted to tell him to come home, of course. But instead of dialing his number, I called a friend, my mom, anyone but him…..I put my energy into something else. I painted almost every room in my house until the wee hours of the morning while listening to empowering music (Kelly Clarkson has some really good songs…ie.. Let me down was a favorite) Anyway, once you finally work up the courage to choose your happiness, know that you do have to go through the grieving process and know that you never, ever, want to go back to your old life again. For me, the only sure way of not going back to that life was to never go back to him.

    • I am glad you had the courage to move on, I am still working on that one. My sons want me to leave and one wants me to live with him.But he lives in the city to far for me to drive to my job. Plus he has a unconventional house,these new couples without kids, live in there upstairs with there computers and dogs..they said i could have the whole downstairs. But there life style and mine are so different.
      My situation with my husband goes from bad to worse most of the time, there are never any happy days. No nice conversations, I am always wrong, he is always right, he never agrees or agrees to disagree! Always has to have the last word. It does not matter to me..I would just once love to hear, I am sorry- from him, without my having to say something first. So I usually don’t. Its hard because there is no physical anything to blame it on, alcohol takes away the very soul of a person, removes his humanity and compassion. If he is not drinking then he is smoking marijuana. And the combination is lethal..it does not do him or me any good. I am ignored and he just sits and talks to himself and our cats.I can be standing right next to him and its like he walks through me..I moved to our upstairs and he is down stairs, we live separate lives. I cant stand the smell of it all and am completely turned off by his actions.I will stay as long as i can, as i love my house, if we break up we will have to sell the house . Neither one of us could afford it without the others income. Im feeling sad and blue, but happy that I have two wonderful boys that help me through, a great job, and friends. It could be worse.I just feel bad for all the missed occasions we could of had as a couple.The life we could have shared we have a lot in common, but they go out the window..when he drinks.

  32. I just found your blog you have giving me so many options I can do i have been with my husband for 20 years now and he has yet to stop drinking he won’t seek help and he’s getting sicker by the day I’m afraid that If I leave him he will drink himself to death he’s a wonderful father and a wonderful husband but I can’t Stand to see him go through this I feel all alone and I want out does that make me a bad person what should I do I have no one that understands what I’m going through

    • You won’t find anyone that knows what you’re going through unless they have also. One thing I have learned to always separate myself from my husband when he drinks because he is a different person, trouble is its a part of his life, and I am not a part of it. So isn’t marriage suppose to be a time when you share things in life together, discuss things, go places and just be together? That was what I wanted, but I don’t need to be with someone that puts me down and talks down to me,and all of my ideas.I have no problems talking to other people- just him. My husband had a heart attack 4 years ago and we have not been together as a couple since. It was actually nice because he actually needed me for a while, but as soon as he could drink again…well you know! We have to decide what is more important and realize you are not responsible for the other person, they make their choices, you have to make your own.

    • Why do we constantly worry about what will happen to them? I know the Parkinson’s disease my husband has had to come upon him as he drank so heavily since he was 16. Now 54…He is plastic faced, Shakes but still pours booze down his throat all the time. Every single day. Blame? Will he die? Will I die sooner than he out of concern and worry causing anxiety that cripples me. Do you see the longer we stay the worse it will be.

  33. I packed my husband of nearly 23 years’ suitcase this morning and asked him to leave, he did. I found out last nite that he is secretly drinking during the day whilst at work, again. When I confronted him he looked at me with contempt and said ‘yeah I am!’ I’ve lost count of the times I’ve begged him to stop drinking and he’s promised he will, only to let me down. We’ve split before but only for a few hours then I always take him back because I love him dearly. He booked onto detox in October 2015… Spent 4 months on medication to dry out (he was absolutely a different person), then slowly it’s crept back. He seems different this time, defensive as though it’s me being unreasonable. I’m exhausted with the stress of living this way. I have 2 sons, now 20 & 22, the youngest of which has obviously been affected by growing up with his dad being absent, usually propping up the nearest bar, only to return home to break open the 6 pack he collected on the way back. My youngest son & I have had a couple of real heart to hearts and I never realised until now that the boys did notice that their dad didn’t interact with them, no footie in the park or bike riding/swimming, school plays, sports days, that was always me. I am proud that my children remember that I have always been there for them but gutted that they feel resentment towards their dad. He has missed out on so much & doesn’t even realise it. My eldest can’t even look at me & has shut himself away in his room. I can only hope that in time he will come to me so that we can deal with this together. My husband is currently at his mum’s (I’ve checked) so at least I know he’s safe but I feel as though I’m grieving for him. My heart hurts & I can’t stop crying but I have to believe that I’ve made the right decision for all of us.

  34. I hope someone is still out there listening…I could use an ear…

    My husband of 1.5 years (together almost 5) is addicted to adderall. It’s been a downward spiral for approximately 2.25 years. It started with running out a few days early each month, to gone with his sixty pills in 15 days…to November 2015 they bumped him up by his request (didn’t know he was going to Dr) to 90 pills a month 20 mg. First month I took 30 away he asked me to help him. So he had 60.. In six days he took 55. After a huge blowout of him resenting my regulations, i finally said do it yourself but if you mess up im done. Mind you i sleep alone he doesnt sleep doesnt eat for days. Stays locked in his shed inventing meaningless pointless youtube projects. In January all 90 gone in 20 days. Gave him separation papers. He promised he would change he loved me he has a problem etc. In February 90 gone in 17 days. I lost it. Begged him to get help. Promised March would be different. And March’s 90 was gone in 10. I can’t do this anymore. He’s no called no showed at work. Hes late to work. He ignores me for days then detoxes then sleeps and eats days on end. Then wants sex??? Then it starts all over again. Nope. No more. It’s financially physically mentally affecting him. It’s emotionally financially mentally and now BC I’m stressed sick over this affecting me. I told him March 17 I was moving out for 30 days. Has been an angel… Until today. I Have a place to go April 1. Been sick all week, he’s been a gem. He calls today. Says he needs to borrow money – no biggie. Then says he went to the doctor and told him about his addiction and that he’s been abusing them. I’m thinking heck yes finally. I said did you tell him how it’s affected us… Crickets. Nope he didn’t tell him. His doctor didn’t get the whole story and put him now on adderall extended release twice a day. Same drug. Just lasts longer???!!! Ever since then he’s been ANNOYING talking about how he has to get up early to go get it. How he can’t wait. Acting like a five year old waiting for Santa. Said see I’m trying to change… THIS IS NOT A CHANGE ITS A SUBSTITUTE!! AND as a result he gets it filled two weeks earlier than his old script would be available. I have tried not to cry all night. He just doesn’t get it!!! 😦 I need to remove myself from this cycle. If I don’t I’m going to drown in this myself. He can’t love me until he loves himself enough to change and get clean.

    Thanks for listening…

    • Dear Lost,

      It sounds like you need some help. I would suggest you look up an addictions counselor and go with him. If he refuses, then you definitely need to distance yourself and start taking care of you.Also, look up Al-Anon to see if a group is meeting near you for support. From what you describe, he knows he needs help, but it would be near impossible to do it alone. I would try to point him to people that can actually help.

  35. Thanks for all your comments. I feel less alone. I have been married for 22 years, and my husband has been an alcoholic since 2007. I asked him to leave our home over 2 years ago. It is a home we share with my parents as we lost our home through foreclosure due to his drinking. I have 4 children who range from 7 to 15. He has his sober times and his drunk times. He wants to come back all the time. He moved out of state but would come here all the time. He said he was trying to move back. Every month he would be back for a few days. I am far happier when he is gone. I can empathize with those who say they feel guilty because they just want the drunk gone. I know he is ill, but I can’t fix him. He has been texting me from “rehab” in town for 3 weeks. I found out two days ago that he was really in another state, married to another woman for 6 months. He committed bigamy, since we are still married! I would not have cared if he had found another woman, because I certainly did not want him back, but he married her while we were still married, and lied and kept it secret from me, his kids and parents. I am divorcing now of course. Why do I still feel like the one who is letting him down, like the one who is not faithful to my marriage vows? My biggest fear is that he will be quit drinking just enough to regain interest in visiting the kids. Then I will have to worry about that.

  36. Hello and interesting post! I’m going through separation and trying to “keep the peace” by not getting lawyers involved. I’m hoping to get through divorce as quickly / painlessly as possible and from what I’ve learned it seems like the best way to do this is to file for uncontested divorce. I’ve tried convincing my husband to use http://www.thistoo.co but he’s not very cooperative at all. I’m a little nervous about getting a lawyer involved as that seems to signal an intention to go to court. Thoughts? Thanks!

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