Deadheadding my Divorce

Today I was crouched on my haunches, pulling dead blooms from a cluster of purple wave petunias.

I am a slow learner, but this is my fourth year growing these flowers, and I’m starting to get it. Today it finally dawned on me why this tedious work is necessary: new flowers cannot grow where dead blooms linger. There’s no room.

But shortly after I pull off the dead weight, the opportunity arises for a new flower to blossom, fresh and lovely.

And so it is with marital separation, and now the impending divorce.

I have been taking my time, slowly peeling back the layers.

First I kicked Zach out, nearly a year ago, but hoped so desperately he would come back. I hated changing those locks and nearly gave him a key many times.

Then, after I discovered the depths of his drug usage, I met him at my lawyer’s office to sign a legal separation document, protecting my assets and children from him. I was still trying to change him, though. I thought for sure he would get better, change in the way I needed him to, after we signed that paperwork.

Four months later still, a judge met with us and after seven minutes, we were officially, legally separated. I did not cry but only because I did not make eye contact with him. I started to see that the only person I could change was not him: it was me.

And so I have… slowly.

I exercise almost every day, and as a treat I just bought myself new workout gear which is a joy to wear. Who knew wicking fabric and non-riding-up shorts could delight me so?

I pray and go to meetings and church regularly. When I feel lost I write, or breathe, or go easy on myself and take a nap.

What I’m not doing as much of is: obsessing about him, calling him late at night in desperation, or trying to change him.

I guess inching towards this divorce is like deadheading those pansies: I needed to get rid of the dead weight to let myself bloom.


2 thoughts on “Deadheadding my Divorce

  1. What an interesting analogy…. It’s so true! Today is my one year anniversary! I walked out one year ago today! After 34 years of volatility and blame, depression…. And here I am! I made it! For the first time in my life I am truly happy. I walk around with my head up a and smiling now. I used to walk around with my head down feeling responsible for the failure of my life, but now I see how strong and brave I am! I am proof that you can move forward and create a new life for yourselves. I’ve made some truly wonderful friends, become so much closer to God and the blessings that have filled my life amaze me every day! Good luck to all of you, I pray daily that you will experience the true joy if living that has been stolen from us by the chains of addiction.

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