Sitting with My Anger

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s true, I’m angry. I’m mad that I’m in the position of sole residential parent and legal custodian for my two innocent, precious sons. I’m pissed that on Monday nights I usually walk with my friend J, but instead I’m stuck inside, as I can no longer depend on Husband to put the boys to bed.

I’m angry that I’ve given that man eight years of my life, birthed two babies, stood by him through a whole lot of crap, and he’s still lying, using, and drinking.

I’m pissed that I’m a single mother of two.

I’m angry that I’m lonely.

I’m angry that the person I love most in this world tells stories to cover up lies: “You don’t understand. I only ordered the bath salts online because I accidentally took 1 too many ADD meds. I didn’t want to run out! They help me so much at work! So I only ordered that stuff as a back up, you see, to help me at work. I wasn’t going to actually take it.” Um, yeah, right. Everybody knows you can get a prescription filled a day early if you lose a pill. Besides, how are bath salts a good work-day pick-me-up?

Asshole.

I’m pissed that all of the major and minor decisions of this family’s life–should Little Dude take a bath even though he’s exhausted? How much to pay the sitter? What to do about the accidentally stinky freezer in the basement?–are mine and mine alone. I don’t want to do this much work by myself. I signed up for a two-person gig. It’s lonely. It’s exhausting. It’s sad.

Most of all, I’m angry that the love of my life has let me down.

*************

My phenomenal therapist has suggested that I need to sit with my anger awhile. That my anger, which I tend to brush aside, cover up, or move on from too quickly, is a natural and healthy part of the grieving process.

My anger will help me maintain the healthy boundaries I’ve now set for myself.

For my fellow codependents, you know how hard it can be to just feel your feelings, to sit with an emotion.

It’s uncomfortable.

I’d rather be doing anything else right now.

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6 thoughts on “Sitting with My Anger

  1. Hugs, honey. You’ve been SO CALM so far (based on your posts). Listen to your therapist. This is a natural part of the process, and this is GOOD! In spite of how bad it feels. If you use it right, it actually becomes a fuel (according to Lisa (stilllearning2be, at lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com) — I’m still working on getting the fuel out of it). Pulling for you! 🙂

    • Thank you! I have been thinking about your comment about my anger being my fuel all day today. Especially today, when I started to feel less angry and feel sorry for my alcoholic. You’re right, I have been so calm, and while that’s good as it keeps me going, I need to keep anger in the mix too so I make decisions that are right for me today.

  2. It is so much easier to keep myself so busy that I can’t feel. If its a hundred miles an hour then collapse in bed, I might make it through the day without crying and embarrassing myself. Sitting with emotions is crushing. I’ve done it and wondered if I would get up off the floor in the corner of the room where I decided to cry.
    I struggle with the lonely. I’m still married but very lonely. Worried that there will never be a job close to home again. How many years am I going to be a lonely single mother who is married?

    • I’m so glad I’m not the only one who keeps going, going, going to avoid emotions. I didn’t even realize I was doing that until I realized that I count down the minutes until my next therapy appointment so I can actually cry. I only go two hours a month! I don’t know how long you can take it, but I do hope you are taking care of yourself and filling your life with activities that bring you pleasure. Not to drown out the loneliness, but to fill your life with positivity. Hugs to you!

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