It’s true, I’m angry. I’m mad that I’m in the position of sole residential parent and legal custodian for my two innocent, precious sons. I’m pissed that on Monday nights I usually walk with my friend J, but instead I’m stuck inside, as I can no longer depend on Husband to put the boys to bed.
I’m angry that I’ve given that man eight years of my life, birthed two babies, stood by him through a whole lot of crap, and he’s still lying, using, and drinking.
I’m pissed that I’m a single mother of two.
I’m angry that I’m lonely.
I’m angry that the person I love most in this world tells stories to cover up lies: “You don’t understand. I only ordered the bath salts online because I accidentally took 1 too many ADD meds. I didn’t want to run out! They help me so much at work! So I only ordered that stuff as a back up, you see, to help me at work. I wasn’t going to actually take it.” Um, yeah, right. Everybody knows you can get a prescription filled a day early if you lose a pill. Besides, how are bath salts a good work-day pick-me-up?
I’m pissed that all of the major and minor decisions of this family’s life–should Little Dude take a bath even though he’s exhausted? How much to pay the sitter? What to do about the accidentally stinky freezer in the basement?–are mine and mine alone. I don’t want to do this much work by myself. I signed up for a two-person gig. It’s lonely. It’s exhausting. It’s sad.
Most of all, I’m angry that the love of my life has let me down.
My phenomenal therapist has suggested that I need to sit with my anger awhile. That my anger, which I tend to brush aside, cover up, or move on from too quickly, is a natural and healthy part of the grieving process.
My anger will help me maintain the healthy boundaries I’ve now set for myself.
For my fellow codependents, you know how hard it can be to just feel your feelings, to sit with an emotion.
I’d rather be doing anything else right now.