Acceptance

Serenity Prayer

Serenity Prayer (Photo credit: Violette79)

The serenity prayer: so short, so simple, yet so difficult to do.

I’m stuck on the first bit: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…”

Accepting alcoholic Husband for who he is has been a smack in the face. I can’t change him, even though I want to, so badly.

I am biting my tongue and only stalking his movements slightly. This is a huge improvement for me.

What I’m struggling with tonight, however, is accepting me for who I am.

I am a strong, loving, vibrant person. I want a partner who loves life, goes after what he wants, and isn’t afraid to make a change, big or small, if it’s needed. This is who I am. Partnering with someone who is depressed and struggles to make it through the day? Not in my DNA.

Loving a sick person I can do. Letting them go, letting God: this is coming so easy I wish I’d stumbled upon Al-Anon years ago.

But accepting that I want, need, and deserve more in a marriage?

This is where I’m stuck.

For if I accept this reality, which really has been underpinning all of the tension in my marriage, I find myself reviewing divorce papers (that are already drawn up). And that’s a hard reality to face. I’m having trouble accepting the divorce looming before me. I cannot imagine being a single mother, sending the kids off to dad’s on a regular basis, or dating someone else.

I have learned in Al-Anon to focus on one day at a time, so for today:

I am grateful for a snowy lawn, a lit tree, and two boys slumbering upstairs.

Snow Cat

Snow Cat (Photo credit: clickclique)

As far as acceptance goes, I have some work to do.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I cannot change who Alcoholic husband is.

But neither can I change what I want and need in a marriage. I’ve tried, and failed. To move forward, I must accept that my needs are ok. That I deserve equality, vibrance, and happiness.

Seven Pillars of Wisdom rock formation in Wadi...

Seven Pillars of Wisdom rock formation in Wadi Rum, Jordan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And so again I pray: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (my husband’s disease, my desire for a strong, healthy marriage).

God, grant me the courage to change the things I can (my attitude, my situation, my marital status).

God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference (working on this, see above).

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5 thoughts on “Acceptance

  1. Thank you so much for posting this, it has given me a new insight to the torment I put my partner through until she said no more. That night was painful, I fell further, but I finally realised what I was and changed it. We still live together but are still seperated, but things are getting easier. Will we ever rebuild our relationship, I don’t know, if it is Gods plan, yes, I pray and he says “don’t worry I’ve got it in hand”, so I trust he will lead me when the time comes to either go forward together or totally separate.
    I pray whatever Gods plan for you is, you find the strength to carry it through, keep strong my friend.
    Wayne

  2. This totally resonates with me. I draw strength from reading through your thoughts & feelings…your struggles and your solutions. Thank you so much for giving me this window into your life. I’m months behind you in my situation, but this helps me with my next steps.

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