I had no idea I was so sick and twisted in my thinking. My obsessive thoughts, nagging, and constant revisiting of the past are so ingrained in my personality now that I didn’t know that this way of being isn’t healthy or normal, or helpful. I’m starting to see myself in a different light and I feel so much freer.
The Al-Anon meeting I attended last week might have changed my life. I plan to go back.
I’ve already made some changes that have made my daily living easier. Some examples to share:
- I’m pretty sure Husband didn’t go to his AA meeting the other night. Normally I would’ve hounded him, trying to pry the truth out of him, making him feel ashamed in the process. Now I realize that my pleading and nagging doesn’t help, it hurts. I’m not letting him off the hook, but I’m biting my tongue. I seem to have a new lease on life. I refuse to let his lies or my worries bring me down. I’m letting him get better (or not) and show me who he is (or isn’t). This is liberating.
- Without realizing it, I’ve made Husband’s substance abuse my problem. I told him to go to rehab. I pushed him to meet with his sponsor. I told him to schedule AA meetings and put them on the shared calendar so he wouldn’t “forget” or get “too busy.” He’s finally working the 12 steps, and I bought him a notebook. No more. He has to get better on his own. I can’t force him, coerce him, or make him better. I’m done. He has to own his sobriety. This realization is frightening because I’m terrified he’ll fail, and then where will we be? That leads to my next conclusion:
- I need to focus on today, this manageable set of 24 hours. I cannot keep bringing up his past failures; this will kill him (and us) and drive me crazy. I cannot obsess over what might happen in the future. That is in God’s hands. I can focus on making today great, and being the best person I can be.
I look forward to my next Al-Anon meeting and will keep reading my little blue book.
There’s so much to learn and I’m enjoying my personal growth.