So I Guess I Have to Go to Al-Anon Now

“Your resentment is not serving you.” That’s what my therapist said.

That line, issued yesterday, has been bouncing around in my head like a rubber ball ever since.

Bounce, I know I should go.

Bounce, I’ve been before and didn’t like it.

Bounce, but I’ve got to do something different.

I want to hop in a time machine, and go back to being a young wife, in love, naive. Thinking Husband was the perfect one for me.

Before he become a drug addict, an alcoholic, a liar, a guy who struggles to make it through the day.

But I can’t go there. Today is November 27, 2012, and I am married to an alcoholic. We have children together. A home together. He may not live here anymore but our lives are still intertwined, and always will be.

Once you have kids, there is no real divorce. They’re yours forever even if you kick their lying asses out of your bed and home.

So I guess I have to go Al-Anon now. That’s what my therapist keeps saying. Actually, that’s what everyone keeps saying.

Ignoring all of this advice–especially advice I’m paying $50 an hour for–is getting kind of exhausting.

I found a few meetings and I’m going to try to go this week. I really am.

Last time I attended was two years ago. I found it overwhelming and very strange. Women were crying. One was talking about her husband being in the midst of a year-long relapse.

Year-long! I couldn’t take that.

I didn’t even want to be in that room. I’m not like those people. I don’t want to spend anymore of my time on Husband’s problem.

But I am one of those wives. And I’d better get some clarity and tools (whatever those are!) before I make any life-changing decisions.

So away to Al-Anon I’ll go. Kicking and screaming on the inside.

Pleasant on the outside.

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13 thoughts on “So I Guess I Have to Go to Al-Anon Now

  1. I debated posting this comment here but I’ll do it anyway….You don’t HAVE to go fo AI Anon….why kick and scream on the inside? Your boys love you, you love them. He’s their dad…that’s accepted. What you shouldn’t be accepting is having to be kicking and screaming inside and maintaining a facade of pleasantness on the exterior. You’re just hurting yourself in the long run and the boys too. That’s my take on it. Now I’ll shut up. Hugs

  2. Oh my goodness — my therapist had been telling me to go to Al-Anon for ages. I feel just like you do. I don’t want to do it and I’m tired of working on his problems when he is not willing to. BUT, you’re right — when you have kids together, this person will always be in your life. Good luck — and I agree with journeyman1977, you don’t necessarily have to be pleasant. Faking your true feelings is exhausting.

  3. He chose alcohol over you and the kids. And he keeps making that choice. You didn’t screw up, he did, and you know you’re done dealing with his problems. So be done. It’s very hard not to look back, but that’s what you have to do. It seems to me that you’re resisting going to Al-Anon not because you’re scared, but rather because you’ve already decided that you’re done being mired-down in that world. Which sounds very healthy, to me. Deal with your husband in a more removed way than you seem to be letting yourself do. And give yourself permission to be free. Truly free. Better for you, better for the kids. Best of luck! (I really enjoy reading your story. I’m pulling for you!)

  4. Al-Anon saved my sanity. AA saved my life. I went to Al-Anon first because I thought my only problem was that I married an alcoholic. Through Al-Anon, I learned to let go of him and his problems and focus on my own. And once I focused on me, I discovered I had whole set of problems that were mine to own. Al-Anon meetings, like other 12-Step meetings, come in different flavors. If you don’t like one, try another one. I love my Al-Anon home group. They have listened patiently to me, have passed me tissues, have answered my phone calls, have seen me grow. And I’m so grateful for them.

    • Thank you! I did go and really liked it. I plan to go back. I now see why everyone recommended it. I had no idea my thought patterns were so destructive to me. Thanks for your support!

  5. Pingback: Sleeping With the Enemy (On Marital Separation and Sex) | Broken American Dream Diaries

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