This is my life, and for today, I choose not to be angry.
I was not angry when Little Dude woke up at 5:30–a vast improvement over yesterday’s rooster call at 4:50 am–crying “Mommy!” In past times, I’ve gotten really upset when Husband wasn’t here to help in the mornings because of his actions. But today I chose to enjoy my early morning time with Little Dude. He nursed as we snuggled under a blanket, and then we played and had breakfast together, just the two of us. Sweetness before the sun rose.
Husband is notoriously forgetful, on top of being an alcoholic with dubious sobriety records. I tend to get angry when he doesn’t pack a diaper bag or remember to grab snacks for the boys. So today, when he arrived to take Big Brother to a family Thanksgiving celebration, I calmly asked if he’d packed extra diapers, sippy cups, etc. Of course he hadn’t. So I simply packed a bag for them and sent them on their way. No accusations flung or roll of the eyes when he admitted he’d forgotten.
My morning was so much better! I feel great! I’ve been so negative about Husband: angry, suspicious, irritated, betrayed, and annoyed. Most days I feel all of those things toward him. That amount of negative emotion is draining. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve those things–he drinks, he lies, he spends money we don’t have–but I’m the one who ends up suffering doubly. I suffer when I realize what he’s done, and again when I let it upset me.
Of course, I also have the house to myself for once. I’m drinking coffee, exploring my thoughts on this here blog, and enjoying the light from my Christmas Tree. It’s easy to not feel angry right now.
I could say happy, or content, but I don’t feel those things. Not exactly. I just feel, for once, not angry.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with my marriage, I don’t understand why Husband can’t get his shit together, and I’m perpetually exhausted.
But for today, I’m choosing patience and joy over anger. And it feels really good.